My Friend Sally

Everybody Have Fun Tonight...

2011-11-08T19:21:00.000-07:00

I got high today. Really, really high. It was legal, no worries. I went to the dentist and to my astonishment, I had three cavities...THREE! I am crazy meticulous about dental hygiene, mostly because I hate the dentist.I've had two cavities in my life, and it has been about a decade since the last one, so I don't remember what it is like to get them fixed, but I knew it wouldn't be good. I walk into a dentist office and it is like I lose all common sense and I want to run away, but I also don't want a root canal, so I go. I told him I would only let him fix me if he gave me copious amounts of nitrous oxide. He said that was fine and turned it on. Here is how the rest went; in stream of semi-consciousness style:

I don't think this gas is working. Hey, hygienist lady, this gas isn't working. "okay, I will see if we can turn it up." I still don't know if it is working, but I all of a sudden think I can hear her thoughts so maybe it is working. "Is it working now?" I don't know how to answer this, did I just become mute? Get it together, you are fine, just high. No, I can't feel it yet. Why did I just say that? It IS working, I don't want anymore. I already feel like I'm floating. Wait, my feet aren't on the chair, they are literally floating, I should put them down. Oh, good the dentist is here, now we can start. "Are you feeling it now Rachel, can we start?" No, no I can't feel it, don't start. WHY DO I KEEP SAYING IT ISN'T WORKING? It is working, really really well. And why do I sound so convincing when I say it? My mouth is numb, so that is okay. He just asked me a question. Crap, I forgot how to talk. What did he ask me? Oh ya, um yeth I I feel numb, you can start now, lets get thith over with. Why do I have a lisp? Oh, wow, he turned it up again. Okay, no more talking. They are playing "Everybody Wang Chung tonight." I hate that song. What does it mean? Oh, wait now it is Huey Lewis. Where am I? I think I'm at a dance competition, that would explain the 80's music. No, I'm at the dentist. That's funny. Don't laugh, Rachel, that is just so cliche, laughing while on laughing gas. Wait, now back to dancing. "Open your mouth Rachel." Oh, is that part of the dance? That is strange, but I will open my mouth. "You don't have to open your mouth so much, just relax, Rachel." Oh, man, are they going to deduct points for that? Rachel, you are at the dentist, get a grip. And open your mouth, don't try and unhinge it. Teetotaler is a strange word. I don't think I've ever used teetotaler in a sentence. I should try. But I don't know what it means. I am so freaking high. I can read everyone's mind. I know how to fix the world's problems. I know the secrets to life! I'm not high, I'm enlightened! I need to remember the secret, the secret to world peace is..."Okay all done Rachel, take some time sitting here until you can get up." Crap! I didn't have time to figure it out. Wait, I still feel high. Hey dentist, could you take the metal thing out of my mouth now, it hurts. "There is nothing in there, we are done. Take your time." Okay, I guess I can drive now. Cars are awesome. I'm glad I don't have to ride a horse home. The cars might hit it. Oh, I'm home now, I don't remember getting here. I can't read Rand's mind. I'm going to sit down now.

End scene.

Don't Worry About A Thing

2011-10-16T15:39:00.000-06:00

I worry a lot. A lot, a lot. Apparently this is called anxiety (or so my Dr. says, I don't trust doctors though, I think they are all trying to make me sick so they can run expensive tests and make more money). I told him about my problem of worrying all day and he told me to start writing a worry list. I thought it was stupid and just a way of him getting my money faster without actually having to solve any of the things I was worried about. But then I thought, I LOVE LISTS! and it actually helped. At first. The theory was that instead of worrying all day about anything and everything, I would save them up in a special worry compartment of my brain (that, by my estimate comprises more than half) and then later, during my special worry time, I would write down everything I had worried about during the day. So for the first few times, I would write down the usual: aliens will land and abduct me or everyone but me, highly-evolved government-made robots would emerge from the ocean, become self aware and crush everyone but leave me running for my life (until they get me in the end, this isn't a movie, the main character dies in ALL my stories). So just your run of the mill worries. But then I would think, if the government can create self-aware robots that go insane and kill everyone instead of protecting them, what else is the government doing? Are they watching me write this and saying "Shit, she figured it out, Mr. so and so, take her out.” Then that made me think my kids would be motherless and that is never good. However crazy I am, they need me. Mostly to protect them from the robots and aliens. So a few weeks in and my lists were getting to over 100 and I was writing so quickly and sometimes forgetting to breathe and then I would finish my list with a nice anxiety attack, lock myself in the closet and try to conjure up any happy thoughts that might be hidden away in my brain, like how my mom hides money away in really tricky places and then forgets it is there, only to stumble on it later,or... even better, I would find it and take it. But hopefully nobody else finds my happy thoughts. I need them dammit! Find your own! So I decided that lists weren't really the way to go. I'm doing better now. The hyperventilating that occurred after the worry list was done have subsided. So I'm back to worrying all day. Much better. Gotta go, need to run the "if aliens attack here is our evacuation plan" drill with the kids again.

The end.

P.S. I am watching "Ancient Aliens" right now and I don't want to watch it, but I can't stop, will someone come and smash in my TV please?

Like a Fool I Went And Stayed Too Long...

2011-09-03T23:45:00.006-06:00

Now I'm wondering if your love's still strong. I'm yours, signed sealed, delivered.

It is a pity nobody is awake to stop me from these late night posts. Anyway, I was at the UPS store and got that song stuck in my head...and apparently it remains there. Along with all the other useless song lyrics that come to me even when I'd rather they didn't.

But really, it has been awhile. I'd say I'm sorry, but It's hard for me to say I'm sorry...and everybody needs a little time away. Dammit. I can't stop. I don't even know if I got that one right. When I was 15 I worked in a chocolate factory (aka sweatshop) and our boss listened to nothing but Chicago and Journey. Every time I hear them I think of chocolate. It wasn't Willy Wonka. But if it was I would hope I would be Charlie. Or Veruca Salt because her name rocks despite the fact that a mediocre band stole it in the 90's.

But I digress. Actually, I don't. I don't have much to say. I think I reached the black hole of social networking and nobody really cares what I have to say.

Not that it will stop me. Here are some random Rachel rants:

Speaking of music, I would just, for the record, like to state my disdain for Coldplay once and for all. I never liked them. I see Chris Martin up there hopping around with his hands in the air and just want to barf. I heard their new song title and I thought it was a joke. "Every teardrop is a waterfall." Or maybe it is every waterfall is a teardrop." It doesn't matter, it has to go down in history as the lamest song title ever. Which goes well with their image.
My daughter asked for a Selena Gomez CD. It still would have been worse if she asked for Coldplay. We have a strict NO DISNEY VENTRILOQUIST DUMMIES in our house, but Rand is nicer than me and pointed out that I once owned a Milli Vanilli tape. Who were actually ventriloquist. Well, minus someone's hand...never mind, you get it.
My little boy went to kindergarten this week. I hear all these moms talk about how happy they are to send their kids away, but I just want him to stay home and not be influenced by the big bad ugly world. And possibly hear Coldplay. Ironically, I'm pretty sure other parents view our family as the definition of "the big bad ugly world."
for actual definition of "Big, Bad, Ugly World, see: "Kardashian." I won't elaborate because I will vomit. When is California going to detach from the US and float into the sea? Not soon enough, that is when.
A few people have told me I shouldn't be so bitter in my blog/facebook posts because I am going to piss someone off and get myself in trouble. That pissed me off. I'm more concerned about that aspect of the situation.
I am old (see #3). Myself and my longtime OFF (only friend forever) Andrea sent our kids off to the same school, hers in 1st grade, mine in 3rd and K. What the hell? Weren't we just barely annoying teenagers who thought we were better than everyone else and that the world was messed up and we had it all figured out? Oh, how things change so drastically.
Last, but not least as a friendly reminder...take the damn stickers of your family stick personas off of your minivan. I saw one today with the mom, dad, kids in their sport's uniforms and names. Do you want to give the child molesters your address and family password too? Seriously?! I realize I am posting this on an open blog where I mention my children. I'm not perfect. But I don't put stickers proclaiming my ability to reproduce on my car either.

To leave you with something uplifting...go read anything by Johnathan Franzen. Genius. And rent "Never Let Me Go." Scared the sh*t out of me. I think it was meant to be a love story, but trust me that is not that part that stayed with me. Wait, that wasn't uplifting. But such a great movie. And I usually hate Keira Knightley. I can't focus on anything but her crooked mouth. Crap, not ending positive. I love Andrew Garfield!!!

Good to see your face again...good to see you

2011-07-14T21:18:00.003-06:00

Okay...obscure song lyric this time, but it is late and I'm tired. Neil Young always come to mind at these times of night.

It has been awhile and I feel like I need to catch up, even if just to remind myself what has happened in this whirlwind of a summer so far.

1. I got laid off. It sucked. I freaked out.

2. Freak out lasted 3 days and then I got an offer on a job I applied for a long time ago. They were slow in offering, but it was actually a good thing. I can't say much more on why it was good that I got laid off instead of just leaving. You are all very smart. Just saying.

3. My new employer is WGU, Western Governors University...and I love it. I love getting out of Network Marketing and out of Utah County. Change is good. The people are awesome, the work is hard and challenging and it has been awhile since I have really felt challenged to better myself. Better yet, in 6 months I get to go to school at a ridiculously cheap rate and get the teaching degree I always wanted. Or Marketing. I haven't decided yet. I always wanted to teach highschool despite the fact that I hated my highschool experience and teenagers drive me crazy. But I don't usually go by logic for my life decisions.

4. WGU let me wait 3 weeks to start, so I had about a month of awesome summertime with my kids, and we fit in a lot. We went to Oregon to visit Rand's brother and had a great time. Heidi, if you are reading this, you are amazing and we had the best time. I relaxed, rested my back and had a blast. We went to Cannon beach (think end of Goonies) and we had great weather, played in the sand, and found huge intact sand dollars at low tide. Collin was taken out by a crazy rogue wave, but the sand dollar was worth it, I'm sure. We are still finding sand in his ears and other places.

5. Maura turned 8, despite my explicit instructions to remain 7. She also formed a band. She may correct me later, but I think they are called "Breaking Through Highwires" or BTH for short. There are three members and a manager (older brother of founding member) who gets to make all their decisions. This could end badly. For now they go in the backyard and sing their hearts out and it is awesome. Maura wrote a beautiful song about an owl but she won't let me post it because "MOMMY, IT ISN'T FINISHED YET, I AM STILL RE-WRITING!!!"

6. Collin is crazy. Good crazy, but one crazy, tall, string-bean of a goof ball. All the girls love him, all the boys want to be his friend. He doesn't care because that is just how cool he is. He pretty much wears nothing but his Beatles and Arcade Fire shirts. Can't complain there. He builds things out of random toys and household items items and wants to design buildings and roads one day. Or be in a band. I think that is just for the groupies though. He has his dark side. We went to the cemetery the other day to visit my Grandpa and sister's graves (Maura has had a strange desire to do this for a long time. I despise cemeteries, so resisted, but finally gave in). We should have explained the purpose of our visit. Collin thought we were going to dig up our loved ones and say hello. I didn't want to explain decomposition, so we nicely said no, we won't do that today, let's just leave flowers instead.

7. Max's reign of terror continues. He scares me, I'm not going to lie. I thought he would get better once he learned to talk, but now instead of screaming, he can scream insults. But then he gets cute and cuddly and those blond curls make all the scratch marks and bruises on me seem like a distant memory...

8. Life is crazy. Life is good. Life is insanely, utterly exhausting.

The end.

I'm free...but not in a good way

2011-06-12T16:44:00.003-06:00

So, nothing new here to report...just that I am unemployed (not by choice, by layoff) and sort of freaking out. I have never been without job. Even when I quit my job when Maura was born I got a contracting gig 2 months later. I'm sort of lost at the moment and not sure what to do. I have three kids to take care of, but they are so used to me being at work they just sort of do their own thing. I haven't gone into depression mode yet, but I feel it looming. We will be okay for a few months, but then we will be selling our house and then I skip depression mode and go straight to rocking back and forth and muttering to myself stage.

It is strange when you have worked for a company as long as I have. It has been 7 years plus some and you get so used to an environment and then...BAM! See ya later. I felt like I got broken up when I wasn't quite ready to. But they had someone else break up with me for them. But I also don't want to beg them to take me back either. I didn't act very lady like, and I didn't take it very well. In retrospect, maybe I should have just said "OK" and packed stuff up. But that isn't really my style. I didn't go postal or anything, just lots and lots of anger...directed at the wrong people. But I'm okay now and am planning a list of things I will get done until I (hopefully soon) get a job. I hope I don't get done with all of them. It is a long list and I need a job. My kids like to eat, I have health problems and need insurance.

I am figuring that by boss/bosses are reading this. They have mentioned things to me that I have only said on my blog. That's okay, it is an open blog, no crime there. Maybe just creepy, but whatever. I don't really have anything to say to them/they he/she, etc. Okay, that is a lie, I have lots of things in my head, but it wouldn't do any good and for now I am focusing on moving forward and trying to find that teeny tiny optimist in me. I hope it didn't give up and go away. I haven't used it for a long time.

So that is all for now. Oh, and my baby girl turns 8 tomorrow! I was worried about whether I would be able to take a day off for it...but I guess I don't have to worry about that anymore! Pics of her awesome party to come...

So give me a call...let's hang out. Unless you are my boss/bosses, then please don't. But anyone else, I need something to do! I'm already worried about this week and I have only had one day of unemployment so far.

Better Turn the Bass Up on This One..

2011-05-18T22:28:00.003-06:00

Let me preface this by saying that I should not be allowed in public. I should be supervised at all times. My lack of filter is going to get me beat up one day.

I had to go to Target, that I used to love, but not so much anymore. I am usually (always) there for a RX refill and end up wandering around getting angry at things. But lets back up, shall we? It all started when I attempted to enter the store. I, thinking crosswalks are for PEOPLE WALKING, almost got run down by a big SUV with a lady in sunglasses more expensive than this computer talking on her phone. She slammed on her brakes and saw me RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER and I yelled "See the lines lady, crosswalk means I walk, you stop!" She couldn't hear me but just rolled her eyes and continued on. Then the pharmacy didn't have my medicine ready (why would they, it is only their job) so I had 30 minutes to kill. After perusing the little girls section and realized that NOTHING there was appropriate for a 7 year old girl, got mad and went to the book section, normally my happy place. But I find 1. A parenting book by Kate Goslin B. 2 books by Lauren Conrad and C. The most heinous of all crimes, A freaking Kardashian "book" right next to a memoir called "The homeless girl's guide." Also, Catcher in the Rye was right underneath. Seriously people? So the natural thing to do was to move the memoir next to Catcher in the Rye and move some lame book by one of the housewives of somewhere famous for nothing next to the Kardashians. It gave me little relief. After 45 minutes I finally got out the door with necessary (obviously) medicine in hand. As I left, with no incident in the crosswalk this time, I noticed some punk kid parked in one of the last handicapped parking stalls. I take this personally. I know many disabled people and I once had casts on both my feet for months and could never find a space because people like this jackass think they are entitled to park there. Not only was he taking the last space closest to the store, he had his "angry" white rap-rock crap blaring from his stereo...with his window down to show everyone how manly he was. I saw a lady get into the handicap stall next to him (she was ACTUALLY handicapped) and she shot a look of disgust to him and I was thinking things in my head then realized I was actually doing and saying them out loud. I tapped his car with my foot and he looked up and I said "You are in a handicap stall dipshit. Being disabled about your music choices don't count." And he stared at me through his side swept bangs and looked shocked that anyone would say anything. I kept walking hoping he wasn't mentally unstable and then lauged in the car at the thought of him telling his girlfriend or boyfriend...oh who are we kidding he was waiting for his girlfriend and trying to look manly, and telling her "This crazy old lady called me a dipshit and then some stuff that didn't make sense." Like I said...I am going to get beat up one day, but sometimes I just can't help myself. Besides, it wasn't like he was going to pop a cap in my ass with his invisible gun. But still. Keep me supervised. At ALL times. And when necessary, slap you hand over my mouth and escort me to my car.

Max 2.0

2011-05-13T21:18:00.007-06:00

My Maximus Bruno turned the big 2 on Friday the 13th. We got a good laugh out of that, being that he is sorta a demon in the perfect disguise of an angelic little boy with bright blue eyes and shiny blond hair. And a the laugh of an old chain-smoking woman.

I am hoping that he is just really smart and ahead of the game and his terrible twos happened a year early and they will magically disappear after he is 2. In reality he is just getting started. But we didn't need quiet. Or a clean house. Or sanity. We do without. He has taught me to (attempt) to deal with not having a perfectly clean house, something I'm not used to. He taught me that it's okay if there is goo and unidentified slime everywhere. What could I do but just deal with it? It was good for me. He is still one loved little boy. He was my easiest labor (almost didn't go to the hospital because it didn't hurt). He was and has always been really difficult while awake, but the best sleeper ever. He will crawl in bed himself and pull the covers over his head. I'm just trying to think of the positives here because he has ruined something important to me at least every week of his life since his last birthday. But they are just things. Just really sentimental important things. I have more holes in walls and dings in my furniture and ink on my couches than I did with both of my other kids combined. But Maura and Collin don't mind. They love him and don't let me get too mad at him. And if anything he has driven them closer together when he is too bad for even them. They huddle together and tell each other it will be alright. Collin slept in Maura's room until a few months ago because Max would wake him up every morning by yelling "Juice. Choo choos!! DAAAADY. EEEAT!"

This year had been really hard for me and Max. I have had to work a lot and had to be in bed a lot because of my back. I couldn't lift him most of the year. I missed a lot while traveling and working hard at my job. I felt like maybe we didn't bond because I had less time with him than the other two. So basically what I am saying is that it is Rand's fault he is insane. Actually I love that Rand has such a tight bond with him. It hurts sometimes when he wants Dad instead of Mom, but the other two still come to me so I will let him have it. And when Max is upset it is best the more patient parent attends to him. Let's see, other things he has mastered this year: Well he lost all that chunk that I loved so much. But don't worry, he is still a force to be reckoned with. Oh and the tantrums. Really intense, throw-yourself-on-the-ground-and-gnash-your-teeth kind. But then I get home from work and he runs and hugs me so hard I almost fall over. He usually hits me in the face with a toy 10 minutes later...but maybe I was bad. He is a great climber. He can reach anything. Including lots of stuff I really liked and put up high so he wouldn't ruin them. He has learned to talk, which was a little delayed (just compared to my other kids) but it is coming fast now. He says NO really good. He has always been really good at using body language to tell us what he wants. If he really didn't like what you were suggesting he would put his head on his shoulder and spin around. If he liked it he would lift his head and "yes" though for a long time it sounded like "ass." He helped Maura and Collin grow up a lot. Collin had to adjust to being put second or third and giving in a little just so we could have peace. Maura learned to change diapers, make bottles, put him in bed and make him breakfast. She amazes me and I know Max has made her even better. He is so stubborn I see myself so much in him. He is not flexible and doesn't like a change in plans. He will never be described as easy going like the other two. But that is why he is Max and always his dials are ALWAYS turned to 11. And we love him so much. He made our family complete. I think knowing he is our last child gave us the patience to get through the bad times. He is the caboose to the Bruno family and we ended on one hell of a note. There is only one Max Bruno, so watch out world, he is just getting started.

We love you Maximus. We love your craziness, your energy, your dancing, your scary laugh, and mostly that you are ours. Well maybe not the times you throw yourself on the ground in public and act like an animal being slowly tortured. Those times I say "Hey little boy, where is your mommy?"

Random Rachel Rants

2011-03-27T16:29:00.004-06:00

I've been a little stressed lately and I was trying to think of a way to alleviate it. So...what makes me happy? Ranting and...lists, of course. So here you go.
1. I recently went to the Legacy center to swim with the fam. I've said it before and I will say it again...women, seriously? a. Don't make it easier for the pedophiles to single out your daughter. Cover her up! b. It is all about strategic coverage when you have "problem areas". Just because you are really thin and in theory should look good in a tiny bikini, doesn't mean you do. I cover my stretch marks, please return the favor. c. biking shorts do not a swimsuit bottom make.
2. I have this pet peeve about actors being way too old for the characters they play. There is one show that is a major offender of this: Glee. The two main male characters are 28 years old! That is only 5 years younger than the guy who plays their teacher. The average age of the "highschool kids" in Glee is 26 (yes I looked it up). I can suspend reality enough to believe that a group of teenagers break into song for no apparent reason and have perfect choreography without practicing, but I draw the line at a 28 year olds playing someone who is 16.
3. If you don't like people, don't be a nurse. If you decide to be a nurse anyway, and you treat my mom like crap, I will get in your face beeyatch.
4. Don't ask me how I am doing if you are expecting to hear "fine" every time. Sometimes I'm not fine, and I say so and you stare at me like I'm from another planet. I don't understand. You asked me a question and I told you the truth...so what is the problem here? Just don't ask me if you don't want to know. Problem solved.
5. Toppers. I get it, you have done everything I have, only better. You know everything I know, only more. Worse than a topper? An interuptopper. You insert yourself into a conversation you are (purposefully) left out of only to top me. It is beyond annoying. Insulting people isn't the best way to win friends.
6. My memory has been really bad lately and it is driving me crazy. I forget everything. It isn't bad enough to think it is a medical problem or anything, just bad enough to drive me crazy. So I bought this book on techniques to help your memory. It is a really good book, but it starts off with lots of stories about people and memory in general. Then it goes on to teach you ways to improve your memory. I thought it was really good. Then I forgot all of it. Maybe start with the teaching me to remember things, then go into the stories.
Thanks. I feel better.

Best By Date: Last Week

2011-03-03T11:50:00.004-07:00

Over the past few months I've learned something I watched my mom go through more times than I can count. People running out of sympathy for you.
I hurt my back a few months ago, on top of an old gymnastics injury that had been causing me problems and woke up one day with excruciating pain. After 3 weeks, it didn't let up and I had an MRI and went to a specialist. I am going in today for a somewhat new treatment to have the nerves in my lower back burnt off so they don't send pain signals anymore. I'm terrified but excited at the prospect of not having pain. At first people were very sympathetic, they told me about loved ones they watched go through back pain, how horrible it is, etc. Then after a few weeks, less and less people seem to believe you are actually in pain. Some even questioned "Well how would THAT cause so much pain?" Oh, you're right, you know better than me how I feel, thanks for sharing! It seems their mentality is "You look fine, you are at work, you have makeup on and don't look like you are dying...so what is the problem?" You get to the point where people ask you how you are and you want to say "like someone is stabbing my back over and over again every second of every day, thanks for asking." But you say "Fine,thanks." Because deep down, you know they don't get it, they will think you are being dramatic. I have had this conversation with my mom and dad often, as my mom has dealt with chronic pain for decades. I tried to understand and I never doubted her pain, but it really was hard to understand, so I do and don't blame "these people." Okay, that is a lie, I do blame them. Some of them, anyway. I know my pain isn't even close to what people can experience and I have a new found respect for anyone dealing with pain and illnesses every day. So why do we run out of sympathy? Why is there an expiration date on how long we can empathize with someone? Maybe we don't want to admit that deep down we want to say "Just push through the pain, go on with things." Easier said than done. So I'm praying that this extremely painful procedure will lessen these past extremely painful months. And if you see someone who "seems fine" don't underestimate what they can be going through.
Now can someone help me down? This soapbox is super high, and my back hurts. Thanks.

Books and More Books

2011-01-21T13:07:00.004-07:00

Wow, needless to say I am running behind on this blog. My life is crazy, and it doesn't seem that it will change anytime soon. Sanity is sooo overrated anyway. At least I hear...from the voices in my head.

So here is my list of books I read in 2010 ...if anyone cares. I just want documentation to prove that I read (and finished) 50 books in 2010. I don't think I will make it my goal again, I saved all my really long books for this year (not cheating...by the way) and will never make it. Instead my goal is to watch 100 movies. I will have to up my Netflix subscription. Oh, and do Lifetime movies count? I love those.

Best Books: READ THEM NOW!
Millennium Trilogy by Stieg Larsson (The Girl Who Played With Fire, etc, etc.) This is an example of why people think Americans are stupid. We write crap books that turn into crap movies..a la Twilight. The Swedes write really provocative, amazing books with interesting characters that turn into great movies-like these books. Then we steal them and turn them into crap movies (or so is my prediction for the American version of these movies).
Starter for 10 by David Nicholls. Seriously, I laughed out loud for this entire book. It is awesome.
One Day, also by David Nicholls. I read this one first, and it isn't as good as Starter for 10, but still amazing.
Last Night in Twisted River by John Irving. My favorite writer and this book was right up there.
Little Bee by Chris Cleave. I recommended this book to most of you. I hope you read it.
In the Lake of the Woods by Tim O'Brien. This was my second reading of this book after about 8 years. It is so amazingly written and innovative.
Mudbound by Hilary Jordan. I also lent this book out to many people.
Shit My Dad Says by Justin Halpern. Don't watch the crap TV show with William Shatner. It is NOTHING like the book. The book is awesomely awesome. I could write one about shit my dad says. It would be almost as vulgar and probably just as funny.
The Winner Stands Alone by Paulo Caelho. He wrote the Alchemist, which I loved. This book is really different, and pretty relevant about celebrities without shoving it down your throat.
Dismantled by Jennifer McMahon. This was one of the most entertaining and easiest to read. It is NOT funny, but very entertaining.
Earth: The Book by my boyfriend, Jon Stewart. I had to include something by him, sorry.
Anthem by Ayn Rand. I have recently become obsessed with her books and philosophy, she really intrigues me, though I don't agree with most of what she says. This book is an easy read (and free on the kindle). I didn't realize how many books have ripped this one off.
The Brief and Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Diaz. Heartbreaking and hilarious. My favorite kind of books.

Worst Books:
For the love, don't waste your precious time that you can never get back on these books:
The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown. The only reason I finished this damn book was because I paid $12 for it. Let me save you some time: Masons aren't as interesting as Dan Brown wants them to be. And his writing sucks more than you want it to.
Secrets by Robin Jones Gunn. Okay, I just saw this one in a box at my Grandma's apartment, so I wasn't expecting much. It only sucked so much because it actually started out okay and sucked me in. It was all downhill from there.
Noah's Compass by Anne Tyler. I was excited because I am big fan of most of her books. It was like she took a paragraph from each and just mashed a book together. Not really a good way to go, in my opinion.
Beautiful Creatures by Kami Garcia. This is an example of how marketing works. The cover looked intriguing, the synopsis made it sound interesting. It started out okay. Then it became like Twilight mixed with Sabrina the Teenage Witch with some crap and then stir the pot. Just because Vampire and Werewolf books sell, doesn't mean people should keep writing them. And they should warn you that this book is only good if you thought Twilight was the great American novel.

I just want to thank these horrible books for giving me hope that I could write a pretty decent book, and even sell millions of copies, without too much effort.

Okay books.
Books you could read and wouldn't be disappointed

Shift by Jennifer Bradbury
Gilead by Marilynne Robinson
Cutting For Stone by Abraham Veghese
Chains by Laurie Haise Anderson
The Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger (don't get me wrong, this is one amazing book, but I don't ever ENJOY it, as I hate the main character. But I wouldn't hate him if the writing wasn't so great)
Moonlight Mile by Dennis Lehane
Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk by David Sedaris
The Girl in the Hyacinth Blue-Susan Vreeland
Hitler's Canary by Sandi Toksvig
Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl

Eh, Books. Probably don't waste your time.
I'd Know you Anywhere by Laura Lippman
The Sugar House by Laura Lippman (I know, I went back for more)
8 of the Southern Vampire Books by Charlayne Harris. If you want to get it on the Vampire thing, read these. They are like junk food for your brain, but at least written better.
Eating The Dinosaur by Chuck Klosterman Love him, but his stuff is getting stale.
The Whole World Over by Julia Glass
Charles Darwin-Voyaging. It started out interesting but then after like 500 pages with 600 more to go...interesting only gets you so far.

And here are the rest, lots of non-fiction books that were great, but probably just to me.
The Virtue of Selfishness by Ayn Rand
Introduction to Objectivism by Ayn Rand
Goddess of the Market: Ayn Rand and the American Right by Jennifer Burns
Restless Genius: The Story of Virginia Woolf
Tethered by Amy Mackinnon
Prisons We Choose to Live Inside by Doris Lessing
Plague of Doves by Louise Erdirich
Conversations With Myself by Nelson Mandela
Things I've Been silent about by Azar Nafisi
The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis (I only put it down here because I have read it like 5 times)

Okay, I think that is technically 52...GO ME! Seriously, this is a big deal. Although I love to read, I'm shocked I didn't sabotage this because I never finish projects that I start. I think I'm good on goals for a few years. And honestly, I am little read-out. I have read a few books this year, but I keep getting them confused with all the other books still in my head.

THE END. If you were still reading you can stop now.

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/Seasons Greetings, etc.

2010-12-21T20:48:00.007-07:00

So...I never got around to sending out a Christmas card to anybody. It doesn't mean I don't love you. And if you are reading this, it doesn't mean I do love you (it is an open blog after all). I was going to give an update of all family members, but there is no need. Our kids are cute and awesome. Max is 1/2 demon and 1/2 cutest kid on earth. They make us tired. Work makes us tired. But we are having a good year. A surgeon didn't attempt to kill me...no emergency room visits (knock on wood, there are still a few days left in the year). We added a new member to our family, Pearl the bird who only loves Maura and hisses at me (and ate 2 diamonds out of my ring, damn bird). Oh, and we added Rand's fantastic long hair, which we have all come to love. Some more than others. All in all, it was a pretty good year and I hope yours was too. So...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Love,
Rach, Rand, Maura, Collin & Maximus

It looks like I have my kids all under control, but this is the one out of 100 shots that turned out. Here is how most of them turned out:

Me and my lumberjack hippie (looking quite fine I must say)

Oh, update coming soon on the 50 books I read this year. I have to finish the 2 I am reading and I will make it...I actually finished a project, yay!

Eat A Pilgrim

2010-11-18T11:40:00.003-07:00

Isn't that Native American at all suspicious that there are 10 hungry white men chasing him? If you go and "Eat Like a Pilgrim" does that mean you have to kill Native Americans? Cause I don't want to.
Have a great Turkey Day next week. I'll forget to post before then I'm sure. But I'm grateful for lots of stuff.

Leave Florence Henderson Out of This!

2010-09-19T23:11:00.003-06:00

I just wanted to apologize for the last post. I'm not sure why I was trying to convince you (if anyone still reads this thing) that I'm crazy. You have all met me...I'm pretty sure you don't need convincing that I'm crazy. Rand politely told me to stop telling my "stories" because they all end with me looking crazy. Which I am...I just won't demand you to think that of me again. Needless to say, life is hectic...as it is for most of us. My brain just isn't equipped to deal with normal stress, let along all the other stress that comes with family and jobs and health and kids. But it's all good. It's still me. Although, I did have a dream that I went to get into my [awesome] minivan and Florence Henderson was being eaten by a velociraptor. This is one of those times I shouldn't have shared...right? Damn. Sorry again.

Have a great summer, don't change!!

2010-09-16T21:02:00.004-06:00

My life is crazy. I always knew having 3 kids would be crazy, but it is seriously out of control. So I'm just going to go ahead and go with it. I've always been a little "off" or "special" or maybe "obnoxious." This is nothing new, ask my parents. I'm sure they sat up nights trying to decide how they could mold me into something that would survive in society and not be pointed at. But despite the fact that I've always been in the vicinity of crazy town, I'm pretty sure I have settled in right downtown. I used to think I could keep it all together, clean house, laundry done, have a job, be a better than mediocre wife, etc. But I can't. When I got pregnant with Max, I started to feel things sliding. Then he was born and I had to go back to work and a few more of the few sane parts of my brain were absorbed by the crazy, sane-eating parts. Then my surgeon tried to kill me with the old cut-her-intestines-in-half-trick during a routine procedure. And here we are. I'm nuts. I'm not kidding you, I have lost my freaking marbles. The thing is, I know it and I feel like maybe I always had the potential to get here...but I still held on to some hope that I would keep up the facade. Well, it is long gone now. I used to apologize for being loud, telling vulgar jokes, and being too opinionated. Now I just don't think I give a sh*t. My house looks like a tornado blew threw it. There is a train running around me right now. And not in a Bruce Springsteen "Like a freight train track running through the middle of my mind" kind of way. There is literally a train track all around me in the living room. I haven't seen my laundry room floor in a long time and now I'm scared to. I have pieces of goldfish crackers on my sheets and drool in my shoes (could be mine, could be Max's) and I don't think I care. I found a whisk under my bed. I threw my security badge in the garbage. I watched a Lifetime Movie where Jennifer Love Hewitt works at a "massage parlor" to make ends meet and I LIKED IT! I take mannequins to picnics...not to freak people out, but just because I wanted her to come.

People say you can't change, but I did. There is no going back now. Help us all.

Just in Case

2010-09-02T16:47:00.003-06:00

I'm still here. Are you? My creativity and desire to write nonsense has waned. I'm hoping it picks back up, I miss MFS. So I don't have much to report on. Work, home, homework, kids, baby is a bulldozer/Frankenstein hybrid. That's my life in a nutshell. A big, chaotic, messy nutshell. I'll be back with a real post someday soon. As soon I finish that laundry. And clean the kitchen. And get to work on time.

Hope you are all well.

Sally, if you are out there, hey! How are you? Long time no see. Well, I never actually saw you, but long time Maura no see. Now I sound like an idiot. And please don't actually answer me. I will pee my pants.

Rach

Our Friend Pearl

2010-08-12T00:34:00.003-06:00

You know how I feel about animals...I don't much feel for them. More work for me and they smell. But my Maura is an animal lover and she gets everything she wants. Since she is allergic to basically everything we decided on a nice cockatiel she named Pearl. Pearl is okay. I guess we can keep her. I sure did make a little girl pretty darn happy. Her and Pearl are obsessed with each other. If Pearl sees Maura and Maura doesn't get her out and play with her, Pearl lets her know she isn't too happy (with some high pitched shrieks). She is pretty low maintenance so far...so we will see if Pearl gets to stay.

Summer-Bruno Style

2010-07-23T13:32:00.012-06:00

So, I am finally getting around to getting this thing updated. Maura is sick and Rand is off at a Family Reunion, so I have some time while I avoid the tornado of messes in my house. Avoiding is one of my better talents. I'd call it procrastination, but I might not do it later either. Just being honest.

We have had tons of fun this summer, and the past two weeks Rand's family has been in from out of town so all the cousins got to play together. It has gone really well. Max loves the attention and we only had to tell Collin once "I know they are laughing, but it isn't okay to talk about your penis in front of other people."

My friend Jina, and her wonderful husband let us take Maura to ride their horses for her birthday. She is severely allergic, but that is all she wanted for her birthday and I couldn't tell her no, so we pumped her full of allergy medication and went for it. She had a huge smile the whole time and was a natural. Her eye did swell shut and she was oozing liquid for the whole night. I asked her if it was still worth it and she (tried) to smile and "YES!" Like there was any question!

Max has been the highlight and the destruction of my sanity this summer. He is so curious, so happy, but so DESTRUCTIVE. he pulls up my flowers, eats the dirt, picks up huge spiders, runs into the road, and other things normal 1 year olds do I guess. But he is so damn cute, how do I get mad?

Collin has really surprised me this summer. Last year we had a few failed attempts at taking him swimming, but we would end up leaving after he kicked and screamed so loud that every other parent was looking at me with that "what are you doing that poor, innocent child" look. This year Rand took him for the first time and waited for the wails of protest to come, but he jumped right in. We even went to Seven Peaks and he didn't cry once. Major victory. He is really such a good kid, despite the inappropriate jokes. He loves an audience and he loves playing his born role as the goofball.

Rand has been busy working, watching the kids and perfecting his Eddie Vedder look-alike. My 14 year old self back in 1993 is so happy about this.

Fishlake 2010

2010-06-18T22:00:00.016-06:00

Whew...summer is off to a start. We made our annual pilgrimage to Fishlake (land of my people)Utah last week and it was crazy. The weather went from high 80's to low 50's in a day and luckily we did our camping during the hotter days and stayed in a cabin during the rain. We did a million fun things (counting me smashing my face into the pavement within 30 minutes of being there) but here are some highlights.

We went to the cemetery in a booming town called "Koosharem" where the first Schaugaards to come to America from Norway settled. This is my great-great-great Grandpa's grave who came to Utah with his family in the mid 1800's. He decided to change the spelling from Schougaard to Schaugaard. Hey Neils, while you were at it, couldn't you have taken out an "A" or two, and an "H", or maybe even a "U"? You go to all the trouble to change it and just make and O into an A? Really? You made my pre-married life sorta difficult.

There is this small town, Loa, where for years and years they have had this fake cop in a car on the side of the road. We got out and took some pics of the creepiest dummy cop in the world. I wanted to get in and get my picture next to him, but nobody would let me.

Dan found some cool powder that turned the fire different colors. It was maybe the coolest thing I have ever seen. I am easily impressed.

My baby turned 7 while we were there, even though I explicitly told her not to!

Max was naked most of the time, as he should be. We had a blast and can't wait to go back next year!

Twinkie Twinkie, Little Star

2010-05-30T22:29:00.005-06:00

My blogging seems to be waning...I feel like I have ten million thoughts in my head at once and it is just too much work to sort through them all to find something coherent that anybody else would even care to read about. But just for the hell of it, here are a few of those millions of thoughts. Maybe if I get them out it will make room for something worthwhile. Probably not.

My goal to read 50 book is well on track....except that I have just finished up a long list of uber-depressing novels. One about abandoned twins in Ethiopia. One about a slave in 1700's New York. And one about a Nigeria woman trying to escape warfare. All WONDERFUL books. But seriously, maybe I should rethink my boycott on Twilight.
I thought it would be a great idea to have a sleepover on a blow-up mattress with the kiddos tonight. Now I am in the middle of a farting boy and a snoring girl. Sounds peaceful, right? I wonder how many Ambien it will take me to actually get any sleep.
I kinda, sorta held a grasshopper. Okay, it touched my hand for a second and it was about as big as grain of sand, but still. I'm still debating about posting the video. It has Rand yelling at me, me doing this high-pitch annoying voice and Maura yelling "ARE YOU CRYING?!" at me. It might never see the light of day.
Maura is supposed to turn seven in a few weeks, but I think I am going to forbid it. We might end up celebrating six again and calling it good. My baby CANNOT be seven. I won't allow it.
We are going camping for a week with the whole fam. Hmmm...I can't even control Max at home, this sounds like a bad idea.
This guy stopped me at Walmart to talk to me about Twinkies. No joke, just stopped me as I was walking down the aisle and we had a very philosophical conversation about Twinkies. I am anti, in case you were wondering. I usually hate and avoid talking to people, especially at Walmart, but it was the highlight of my day. Thank you old nice man with ten boxes of Twinkies in your cart, but you still didn't convince me that there is anything edible in there. It is all chemicals and plastic.

Maximus Aurelius

2010-05-13T12:03:00.003-06:00

Exactly one year ago I was laboring away with little Max. I felt like I was pregnant for 10 years and his first year has flown by. Happy Birthday to my sweet Maximus. We wouldn't be the crazy family we are without you.

He cannot be contained

2010-04-12T10:58:00.007-06:00

I have tried many ways to block this child in and he just thinks it is a game to see how fast he can break out. Oh he wears me out.

My Friend it's a Good Day

2010-03-24T11:18:00.005-06:00

Birthdays aren't so bad. 31 isn't so old. But that isn't the problem. The problem is that I feel like I'm 50. I had a rough year and I'm afraid I have wrinkles and an aching body to prove it. Having my 3rd child and a near-death experience was enough for one year. I have hope that 31 will be awesome. No more pregnancies. 3 awesome kids and one amazing husband. No more surgeries. And hopefully some life changes for the better. And maybe some mannequin hands to start the celebrating. Oh, wait.

Mucha Lucha

2010-03-01T18:28:00.007-07:00

I am sooooooo glad to be home from Mexico. I contracted the plague (or something similar) and almost died in Mexico City, but I am home and alive. Mexico was actually a blast if I forget about the fever, cough, vomiting, delusions and 20 hour work days. We did find time to fit in some fun and go to the pyramids at Teotihuacan. And I finally was able to put those 10 years of Spanish classes to use.

This is where I almost died at the top of the pyramid of the sun. I wasn't going to go up...but I saw this 80 year-old woman with a cane climbing up and I couldn't be outdone by her, even though I couldn't breathe. But I showed her!

The Goddess of Teotihuacan.

These pyramids date back to 200 BC, they were so cool. But what wasn't cool was the smog in Mexico. I swear I felt like I was eating the air.

Frightening, I know. I bought this Lucha Libre mask for Collin, but I had more fun with it.

Hard Hat Area

2010-02-23T22:16:00.008-07:00

Happy Birthday to my friend Collin. He is the funniest boy I know and I can't believe he is 4. He is pretty excited too. We went to McDonald's (where he usually gets stuck at the top of the slide and we have to go in after him) and he sighed and said "I'm big now, I guess I can do it." And he did. And you know what buddy? You are right, your jokes are funnier than daddy's. I hope you had a great day. Life is never boring with you around. I love you more than cheese.

He kept telling us "Grandma is getting me suspenders to hold up my pants!" The only problem was that Grandma didn't really know this, so she went on a hunt for kid's suspenders. He is really excited about the prospect of his pants not falling of his bum, or his lack of bum.

Butterfly In The Sky....

2010-02-14T13:10:00.009-07:00

...Actually they are in a net on my kitchen counter and will probably never see the sky, but nonetheless...

We grew butterflies! For Christmas, Maura got one of those kits to grow butterflies. I thought for sure I would kill all of them...we tried this once before and our caterpillar, Marvin (RIP) died before ever making his chrysalis. I hope you turned into a beautiful butterfly in heaven, Marvin (though I am 99% sure he was a moth). Anyway...All of our larvae turned into healthy caterpillars, who turned into creepy chrysalides (plural for chrysalis, betcha didn't know) and all 10 of of them hatched into butterflies. That's right, I didn't kill a one of them! Maura (but mostly me) had a blast watching them transform. That's right, I helped facilitate an amazing transformation here folks. Just sayin'..

This was our first butterfly to hatch.

Apparently they ooze this red junk as part of the process of getting pigment to their wings. I thought it was bleeding to death. It is still pretty gross.

This is Maura holding her beloved butterfly. See that black thing touching her finger? That is the tongue. These things get creepier as we go along.

Collin was initially terrified of these little guys. But he came around and eventually held one. I, on the other hand, still have not.

Ya...It's Like That

2010-02-07T11:10:00.005-07:00

My sister-in-law, Heidi, recently wrote a post about lowering your expectations in order to find happiness and peace amidst the chaos of motherhood. She didn't have this realization until she had 5 kids, and I only have 3, but I'm there. With working a full-time job (and then some on certain days) and having three kids, a house and a husband...it is a juggling act that I am not very good at sometimes. Sometimes work suffers and I forget about a project and sometimes the kids suffer and I forget to feed them. And on really special days, like today, you realize you are in a sad state of affairs when it is 11:00 AM and everyone is still in their pajamas, you have to kick things out of your way to make a trail from the living room to the kitchen, your baby eats a pea that has been on the floor anywhere from one day to months, and you feel something on your leg and realize you have had a diaper attached to it. And said diaper has probably been there longer than a few minutes. Tomorrow will be better, right? RIGHT!?

You Say You Want A Resolution

2010-01-13T10:42:00.006-07:00

2010 is going to be good. Cause I have goals.

1. Watch more movies. I just wanted to start off with something I could actually accomplish.
2. Figure out the theme of LOST, therein discovering the meaning of life.
4. Use less disinfecting wipes. It is an addiction.
5. Read 50 books. This will be a challenge because I'm pretty sure the Lehi library doesn't have 50 books that I haven't read. Unless you count the 50 copies of the Twilight Saga. But that isn't going to happen. Donations are welcome.
6. Hold a grasshopper. I'm not kidding people, I'm going to. I will probably pee my pants and throw up but I'm gonna do it. No more baby steps, this fear of mine is out of hand. I will be selling tickets if you would like to witness this miracle. Um, typing it out is making my heart rate go up. Can we find a volunteer paramedic to standby in case I have a heart attack?

I have some more, but I think this is a good start. What are your goals? Talk to me.

My Friend The Dead Construction Worker

2010-01-11T10:29:00.003-07:00

I am not sure why dead people show up at our house. They do. Always at night when I am in bed. Collin told me the other night that there was a ghost in the house. I said "really, what does he look like?" He told me that he was a construction worker that started living in our house when it was built. Collin wasn't even born when our house was built. I'm hoping this is just a case of Maura sharing her paranormal experiences with her brother. The good news is that he is a good ghost. The even better news is that I can't see him.

I Heart Lists

2009-12-30T10:26:00.012-07:00

If there is one thing that I love about the end of a year, it is the excuse to make LISTS. So here are a few for you. Please share some of your favorites from this year.

Best things about this year:

My Maximus. I like him. May was a high point of this year. He is the caboose on the little train that is our family. We ended on a high note for sure.

Sally is gone! Well... some of her impact still lingers, but I'm pretty sure she has crossed over.

I still have a job (fingers crossed for that one).

I still have a house.

My minivan. Once I accepted it for what it was we learned to love each other.

They sell Tim Tams at Target now. Go to the cookie isle. You won't be disappointed.

Lists. Can I put lists as something I love on a list? I think I just did.

Things I could have lived without this year:

Bed rest and more bed rest.

"Experienced" Doctors who forget that intestines aren't meant to be sawed in half.

Insurance companies.

Pretty much anybody in the medical field that I had to deal with.

Sara Palin and many, many other Republicans. Sorry, it had to be said. In all fairness, there are plenty of Democrats I can't stand as well.

Any books, movies or TV shows with vampires. I just don't get it.

Those creepy Old Navy ads with the mannequins. Time for a new ad campaign.

99% of what is on TV. Specifically:

Dancing shows, dating shows, and Jon & Kate.

People who tell me I have a bad attitude. What is so great about being optimistic anyway?

Those people stickers that are on the back of all the minivans and huge SUV's in Utah County. How about if you drive one of these cars I just assume you have a lot of kids and a cat and/or dog. Sound good?

Skinny Jeans: Die already! I am 5'2, it isn't ever going to happen for us!

Why is this list so much longer? Seriously, WHAT BAD ATTITUDE?

...From The Bottom of my HEAAART

2009-12-27T14:39:00.008-07:00

We want to wish you a Merry Christmas. We hope you enjoyed yourselves. We certainly did.

Max was disappointed that there wasn't food in any of his gifts. He wasn't interested after he found that out.

Santa brought Collin a very unwelcome gift in the form of a nasty eye infection. By Christmas night it had spread to both eyes and his face was all swollen. He told me it was the worst Christmas. Sorry buddy!

Cute kids on Christmas Eve.

2009-12-17T10:49:00.003-07:00

Collin: "mommy, I can't sleep. I had a bad thought."
Me: "I'm sorry, what was your bad thought?"
Collin: "A bulldozer ran me over."
Me: "Wow. That is a bad thought. I wouldn't let that happen. I would save you."
Collin: "What if you weren't there?"
Me: "Daddy would save you."
Collin: "What if daddy wasn't there?"
Me: "Somebody would save you."
Collin: "The construction worker?"
Me: "Yes, the construction worker would save you."
Collin: "What if the construction worker was mean. He would take me away."
Me: "He isn't mean, he is nice."
Collin: "No, he's mean and he will put me in his car and take me away. Is he going to?"
Me: (Sympathy waning) "Collin, he isn't mean."
Collin: "But how will he find you? Does he know where we live? Does he know you are my mommy? Will he make sure to put my seatbelt on? What if he takes me to the wrong house? Will you look for me? Will he make me ride in the scoop? I will fall out."

My head hurts.

Gone But Not Forgotten

2009-12-08T10:36:00.003-07:00

In her own special way Sally has made her way back into our lives. You remember Sally, right? Well she burned her parent's house down...with them in it. Ever since then Maura has had an intense fear of fire. It calmed down for awhile but the past few weeks she wakes up (or never goes to sleep) crying that she keeps thinking we will die in a fire. I thought it would make it better to make an "escape plan" and talk about how we would stay safe if we did have a fire. That just made it worse. Any advice on how to handle nightmares? Preferably advice that doesn't involve me sleeping in a twin bed with a 6 year old all night.

Darn you Sally!

2009-12-06T12:08:00.003-07:00

So, I have this problem. My baby won't stop being cute and fat. I will never be able to say no to those blue eyes! On a side note, Rand knitted this hat for him...while watching football. I knew I like him! It was kinda hard work getting it to stretch over his huge head.

He is now sitting, crawling and generally just being the cutest baby ever.

I felt like Max was getting all the love and I don't want to forget my other crazy kids.

Seriously...you didn't know?

2009-11-29T09:32:00.005-07:00

Wow...nothin' like having a doctor accidentally saw your intestines in half to slow your life down to a screeching halt. I have had a lot of time to catch up on movies and books. Oh, who am I kidding, I watched TV for 2 weeks straight. Some highlights: Watched "The Jerk" and laughed so hard it hurt. Reruns of "Arrested Development" on IFC and everything on the Discovery Channel. But I did have time to watch a bunch of crap. There is actually a show called "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." Have you seen it? It is real, like real people with real stories. THEY AREN'T MAKING THIS UP and that is what scares me. People who go 9 months not knowing they are pregnant (there are prerequisites for being pregnant people!) and then think they are just constipated when they go into labor. I have some experience in this area, so I feel I am justified in asking these women to please consider getting their tubes tied. Or at least lets not make a show about it, because it makes me sad for the human race. But alas, I did watch every darn episode of it so I suppose I am to blame.

2009-11-26T11:08:00.001-07:00

I tend to over-anaylize everything and tell really long, rambling stories. I'm going to resist the urge to make a list today and leave it at this: I AM THANKFUL. The end.

Home Sweet Home.

2009-11-15T22:16:00.002-07:00

In case any of you are wondering what the hell happened to me (and even if you aren't) here's the lowdown:

I went in on Wednesday for some MINOR surgery. I have had endometriosis for a long time and it is really painful and it was a final surgery to remove the source of the pain. It was intended to be a same day surgery or at the most one night in the hospital. Well, when I woke up in recovery I knew it was bad. I had six doctors standing over me and one of them saying to the other "has anyone told her husband yet?" Not a good sign. It also felt like my innards were on fire, so that was another sign. Then some machines beeped, I was in and out of it and they took me to ICU. Yipee, my first stay in the hospital other than having babies and I get the ICU. Nice. I sorta got the story of what happened and it goes like this...surgery was done and they were ready to sew me up but saw some internal bleeding. They didn't think much of it and were going to close me anyway but one surgeon said to the other "hey, isn't that a piece of her bowel hanging there, maybe we should check that out." So it seems that they "lacerated" or in other words, sliced two inches through the lower part of my intestines. Sound nice doesn't it? So they had to sedate me a whole bunch more and call in a surgeon to open my abdomen up all the way and fix me. I know it isn't pleasant to talk about, but man oh man bowel surgery hurts. I had five lovely days in the hospital where I wasn't allowed to see my kids. Then they took away all food. And then. Then they took away my pain medication. They gave me about the equivalent of tylenol for abdominal surgey. And I am not one of those people that "doesn't like pain pills." Bring me the pills, injections, whatever you've got and bring it fast or four letter words start flying. There were other complications with my heart and lungs and then finally today I was well enough to come home. With some pain pills. So nobody had to die.

So that is my story, I'm so glad to have made it out of it, I know it shouldn't have happened, but it could have been so much worse. And while I'm in pain (if someone asks me to rate it on a scale of one to ten, I will murder you) home is such a better place to heal. My nurses were nice, but here I get my own bed, get-well notes pushed under the door, stuffed animals tucked under my chin while I'm sleeping, and Lars' potato soup brought to me. I still have a ways to go to get better...but I will get there.

Thanks for all of your calls, emails, texts, flowers, and food and for everyone who watched our little monkeys for so long. It is all very much appreciated. And thanks to Rand for sitting by me night and day. I know I am not pleasant when I am in pain. I don't mind if you slip yourself a few pills and take a break from this craziness. You deserve it.

Heavy.

2009-11-10T13:35:00.003-07:00

I can't remember who suggested I read "The Book Thief." Whoever you are, thank you. It was amazing. It was also a very, very heavy book to take in. I bawled my eyes out during a few parts of it, I was stressed out, I didn't sleep very well (nothing new) and when I did sleep I had dreams of Nazi's chasing me. So I'm glad it is over, but I also wish that I had another book that would even come close to being as good. It might be awhile. Please read it. I would tell you what it is about, but I wouldn't do it justice.

"I wanted to tell the book thief many things, about beauty and brutality. But what could I tell her about those things that she didn't already know? I wanted to explain that I am constantly overestimating and underestimating the human race-that rarely do I ever simply estimate it. I wanted to ask her how the same thing could be so ugly and so glorious, and its words and stories so damning and brilliant.
None of these things came out of my mouth. All I was able to do was turn to Leisel Meminger and tell her the only truth I know."

Sometimes.

2009-11-04T20:30:00.002-07:00

It is okay that my front room turns into a train station.
It is okay if I trip over little tiny cars or find them in my purse.
It is okay if a cute baby spits up all over me.
Sometimes it is even okay when I get woken up in the night by a little girl with bad dreams.
You want to know what isn't okay? The phrase "Mommm, Collin peed in your bed." Not so okay with me. Especially when I have been all day without caffeine. It is times like this when a visitor comes. She has been named "the mommy monster" by Maura. She doesn't come very often, but she lives deep inside of me and comes out sometimes when I have had it. She came and it wasn't pretty and there was yelling and some tears. Then she went away again and I am back. I hope she doesn't come back for a really long time. I am even a little scared of her.

Do you have one of them living inside of you too?

Halloween

2009-11-03T21:12:00.011-07:00

Oh how I love Halloween. Here are some pictures and highlights from our celebration of this strange and wonderful holiday:

I dressed as a prom queen from the 80's. I wore lots of makeup and a really tight dress. This seemed like a good idea until I:

Almost passed out at Maura's school from sucking in my gut too long.
Tried to wash off the hot pink makeup that covered my face and got hives. Lots of them.
Was asked over and over if the dress was mine from highschool.

Yes, those are diapers on the ground. Even the Prom Queen had to change diapers. Though I couldn't get back up after I did. Dress. Was. So. Tight.

We had an awesome party with my crazy family at our house and:

Duck-duck-goose turned into a full-contact sport.
We all had villains names on our back to guess who we were. It took Lars about an hour and 100 questions to realize he didn't know the name of the Godfather. It is Michael Corleone.
The older girls provided the highlight of the evening when they came down and did the Thriller dance for us. Awesome.
We ended the evening watching "Slow Donnie." If you don't know what I'm talking about...your loss. Donnie says vacuum.

The kids came to my work and:

Collin screamed like a little girl in the spook alley and I told him it wasn't scary. Then Darth Maul jumped out at me and I screamed like a little girl.
I didn't win anything for my RAD costume. I had to wear a corset. I ratted my hair. Someone said my shoes were so ugly and went with the costume. They were just my real shoes that I wear all the time. They weren't even part of the costume.

Collin had fun, he just looked bummed out in all his pictures.

Max was very solemn and wouldn't smile. I think he was concentrating on laying eggs.

Halloween Prequel

2009-10-29T22:17:00.003-06:00

A Vampiress, a train conductor, a chicken, a prom queen and Rand. You will find them all at our house on Halloween. More to come...

Legalize It!

2009-10-19T11:40:00.004-06:00

Okay, I know I am going to get people angry with me on this one, but I'm always up for a good debate. Bring it.

I saw this article online: http://www.ksl.com/?nid=153&sid=8359921

Let me start by saying I don't use marijuana and I'm not planning on doing so in the future. However, I have seen firsthand the adverse effects prescription pain medication cause and how little they can do for pain. They are addictive, cause horrible side effects, and lead to many deaths each year. Marijuana has proven benefits without these things. So I have never understood why we spent resources going after people distributing medical marijuana to people who are benefiting from it. I think more states need to start using it for medical purposes and I think this is a step in the right direction.

What do you think?

2009-10-15T11:30:00.000-06:00

"Rachel, you are talking to yourself."
"I know."
"You should stop."
"I know."

Amazing.

2009-10-14T10:42:00.003-06:00

Maura finally finished her Reflections contest entry and I wanted to showcase her masterpiece. She is such a perfectionist when it comes to her art...and this was no exception. I'm kind of relieved she didn't draw coffins and dead people, you never know with this girl and her crazy imagination. But she drew a lovely arrangement of all things happy. Although those large bees look like they are ready to attack. She titled it "Amazing Day." Good job Maura!

why do birds suddenly appear?

2009-10-08T15:33:00.004-06:00

Every time

You

Are

Near?

I know it seems like I share a lot of embarrassing moments with you. But the sad truth is that I withhold a lot of information for fear of sounding (if possible) even crazier than I really am. So I have a story for you that I was going to keep to myself. I told Rand and his reaction alone confirmed that this was probably something I should keep to myself. But on further contemplation (and for the sake entertaining my readers) I decided it was funnier than it was embarrassing. And so here you go. This is your reward for enduring my craziness via this blog. You deserve it.

I have sleep issues. I have insomnia, night terrors (thought only kids got those, but I am lucky), sleepwalking, sleep–talking, sleep-cleaning, sleep-just-get-up-and-move-randomly-about-the-house. But A few nights ago I had a new sleep experience. I woke up from a strange dream. It was strange because it seemed so normal, and I am not known for your basic run-of-the-mill dreams. End of the world, yes. Demon children in forests, yes. Serial killers chasing me, yes. And my favorite, me and Emily going off the cliff to our untimely deaths (I just like to mention this because it REALLY upsets her when I talk about it). So anyway, my dream was of me buying songs on iTunes. So I woke up and thought “what a boring dream.” And didn’t think anything more of it. Then I got an email from iTunes. It was a receipt for 3 songs. It wasn’t a dream, I got on iTunes, logged in, searched through songs, bought three of them and entered in my credit card information. How scary is that? So you want to know what my subconscious mind wants to listen to? The Airborne Toxic Event, Metric (never heard of them), and the Carpenters.

It's Like This And Like That

2009-10-06T14:18:00.005-06:00

I've haven't blogged in awhile and thought it was time. Just some brief updates and random thoughts...

I need a vacation. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
Max is the fattest cutest thing ever. Collin has been calling him "Chubby Lubby" and it kind of stuck. Although he is beyond chubby. He is just plain fat.
Maura is intensely into her "art" lately. She is doing a picture for Reflections. I would post it but she hasn't perfected it yet.
Collin tells me every day "I love you more than anybody" and it melts my heart. He tells Rand the same thing which means he is lying to someone...I refuse to believe it's me.
I'm reading the new Dan Brown book and I HATE it but I have to finish it. Has anyone else read it? I'm the only one who thinks it is just a very long excuse for him to prove how much he knows about symbols and secret societies? Someone please give me some good books to read.
I love Halloween. It is creepy and scary and nobody understands why we celebrate it. Halloween and I have a lot in common.

For the meaning of life...read here

2009-09-29T14:22:00.005-06:00

Let me just start by saying my parents are kinda awesome. I don't just say that because I am so awesome. People are stunned when I tell them that my Dad is more liberal than me...because they can't quite fathom it. But it's true. He taught me that narrow views are dangerous and that sheltering us would only hinder us in the future. I know most people don't agree with this, but I do. I don't hide things from my kids. The world is a big, bad, ugly place and I need to prepare them to be good people and still exist in it. As most of you know I'm also a teensy bit intense. This also comes from my parents. When I disagree with you, it is just out of love of arguing/debating. I love disagreeing with people. It is just that I am always right and you are always wrong.

That being said, my dad is old and has a lot to say. We were talking about how we were tired of being the minority because we are liberals (and right...well we are left but you know what I mean) and he wrote this "essay" of sorts and I liked it. It has some basic wisdom of someone who has realized that life stinks sometimes. I think I have skipped ahead to his last step because I'm pretty darn bitter already. Again, when you read Lars' words you will understand why I am so intense and why I feel like I can say what I want whenever I want to whomever I choose. It is amazing that I have any friends at all. Thanks Lars. Oh, and make his day by commenting to this. He loves a good debate as much as me.

On Getting Older by Larry Schaugaard (a.k.a. Lars)

A short essay by the renowned Author of such great works as “How to bother my Republican Ward members and not get excommunicated.”

At the age of eight I wanted to know everything. I spent most of my time asking about the world around me and I accepted all information that was given to me regardless of how absurd the information might have been.

By the age of twelve I thought I was pretty much grown up. I began to feel like I knew a few things about the world. I was still asking plenty of questions but I wasn’t so willing to listen and believe what I was being told.

Eighteen was a special age for me. I had just finished High School (which in many ways was quite traumatic), but I was now going to live life on my own terms. At this time I thought I knew everything that was worth knowing and I was the most secure in my attitude about the world around me and the direction I was going in it. I had wonderful dreams of the great things I would accomplish.

…Then I turned 25 and a strange thing started to happen. Cracks began developing in my invincibility. I had the sad realization that there were things I might not know. Even worse than that, I might not be controlling as much of the world around me as I once thought. Sleepless started happening.

At the age of 35, as a parent, I realized to my great surprise, that it wasn’t just a few things I didn’t know… it was most things. It was at this age that my central worldview was crushed. My long-held belief that I controlled the world around me was in fact a complete illusion. I was still clinging to the idea that while many things were uncontrollable, I still had power over certain aspects of my life. Sleepless nights started occurring more frequently.

At the age of 40 it became a certainty that I didn’t know a damn thing and that life was simply a random set of events that I had little if any control over. In fact the only true control came from how I reacted to the random, unfair, and at times laughable situations life was throwing at me.

At 45 my metamorphosis was complete. I came to the conclusion that I really don’t know anything about the world I live in. I became bitter and mean because I had completely lost my illusion that I controlled anything in my world.

At 50, I felt hope starting to swell once again in my aging soul. I still didn’t know anything or control most things but because of my bitterness at learning the truth of my life I have now learned as a “stranger in a strange land” (that of being a very liberal active Mormon which seems to be an oxymoron in the state of Utah) that telling people who truly bother me to go f#$% themselves. I can now relax more at night. Sleepless nights are becoming less frequent.

At 55+, bliss is starting to set in. My old soul still doesn’t know much, controls even less, and has lost all its hopes and dreams, but I have now adopted an attitude that precludes me from giving two #$%&s about most of the insane world around me. I have now come to the part of my life that allows me to, depending on my mood at the time, either take someone’s head off or ignore them completely when some minor infractions against me might occur. I have begun taking pleasure in the small things in life such as voting a straight Democratic ticket, just so I can tell people at my VERY Republican church what I did and get under their skin. Or by going to see Michael Moore at UVU and then tell people how much I enjoyed it so I can see their reaction. I find that in the end life can still be an adventure even if that adventure is nothing more than voicing my opinion to those who don’t share my views (and bothering them). And as I contribute to the insanity of this world, sleeping is beginning to occur regularly without regret.

Maura Bruno: Cheese Connoisseur

2009-09-28T13:16:00.007-06:00

We held the first annual Maura Bruno cheese-tasting party last night. It started out as Sunday dinner with my family and rapidly morphed into a cheese-themed party that got a little out of control. I think we had over 12 types of cheese (cheeses??) I also made a cake shaped like a cheese wheel that turned out looking more like Pac Man with polka dots, but the kids liked it anyway.

All I can say is that I'm not eating cheese again for awhile. There were some strong ones in the mix. But Maura had a blast and she deserved it after being so sick.

Here we are toasting to each other.

Here are the massive amounts of cheese. Sadly we ate most of it. And now we are paying for it.

Bugs vs. Maura/ Monster vs.Tiny

2009-09-26T21:45:00.009-06:00

Things are calming down in the Bruno household. Maura's bacterial infection wreaked havoc and left. They thought she had kidney damage but really I just think they were out to see how much they could push me before I cracked. I could have told them it didn't take much at all. I had a mini meltdown the day they told me she would either be fine or be admitted to the hospital with permanent kidney damage. Thank goodness she is fine and almost back to normal. I sorta like that kid and want her around. Oh, and my man got a job and I am so proud. I'm pretty sure it is just based on his hotness, but that is okay with me...Though I will miss my hot maid and nanny. I will have to find a replacement...

Anyway, here are some pictures from the past few weeks. My sister-in-law Heidi and her daughter Abby were in town this week so we got to visit with them. Heidi hiked Timpanogos at 7 months pregnant. I had my baby 4 months ago and getting out of the car still gets me winded. She is amazing and it was so good to see her. Abby couldn't get enough of Max and Max in turn loved her.

Then we went to visit my friend Cathy who has a 6-7 week old baby. Granted she was only 5 pounds at birth, but she is only 2 months younger than Max and about 1/3 the weight. He tried to steam roll her and he looked like he was seriously considering eating her for a snack. We stopped him...of course. Eva is a doll and Maura asked why Max was never that small. Because he is a monster, a giant, an anamole. I don't know, I just know he is pretty damn cute and we all love that guy. Even if his head is 3X the size of sweet litte Eva's.

The End.

List.

2009-09-21T16:19:00.003-06:00

I have promised a few people a list of books to read. I have been reading a lot lately (I recently discovered something amazing called the PUBLIC LIBRARY). Here are some of the really good ones that are worth reading. Return the favor by sending me your list of what is worth my incredibly valueable time. Please and Thank You.
The End.

1. Mystic River & Shutter Island by Denis Lehane: Mystic River is better but Shutter Island is much more fun. I love both. If you love great mysteries read them. There is a reason that so many of his books are made/being made into movies. Can't wait for Shutter Island (Leonardo DiCaprio is in it!)

2. The Fifth Child & Ben in the World by Doris Lessing: Disturbing and awesome. Ben in the World is the sequel and isn't as good as the original but still worth reading. It is about a family that has 4 perfect children and has #5 and he is...well definitely not perfect to say the least.

3. Mudbound by Hillary Jordan: I own this one if anyone is interested. It sounded dull on the cover but I bought it anyway (sometimes I don't trust my own opinion and go against it) and it was great.

4. Skeletons at the Feast-Chris Bohjalian: It is entirely possible that I butchered his last name but this is a good one too. A little harder to get through but still good. I own this one as well.

5. The Book of Dead Philosophers: This is a good coffee table book. It goes through all the great thinkers of the distant and recent past and all the crazy/unique ways they passed on, kicked the bucket, bought the farm (you get the idea).

6. What the Dead Know by Laura Lippman: Not a GREAT book but a good one.

7. What Was Lost by Catherin O'Flynn: This might be my favorite out of the bunch. Very unique and I love the way it is written. Get this one first.

8. Whistling in the Dark by Lesley Kagen : I might have mixed these last two up. One I liked and one I loved. Get them both and let me know if I was right.

And now for one I hated: John Updike's "My Father's Tears." Has anyone else read this? It was so disappointing. I love him and I wanted to love it because he's dead now and nothing new will be coming out ever again. But I despised it.

That is all for now. More to come later.

Better.

2009-09-12T15:07:00.007-06:00

Sorry for the brief hiatus. We had a battle raging in our home. Maura vs. the evil invaders in her intestines. She is finally getting better and will be victorious soon. Maybe once she is better we will ger her tests back and find out what she had. Heaven forbid we find out while she is screaming in pain for 5 days straight (so we can actually do something about it). I hate doctors/insurance/health care industry! But that rant is for another day. Today, enjoy my 3 month old attempting to escape his bouncer. Do they make plus-size bouncers? I need one. Apparently this one cannot contain him. He did make it all the way out, but I had stop recording as to catch his head before it hit the ground.

I feel a little like my buddy Collin gets lost in the middle of our crazy family. Maura has been so sick and Max sorta demands our attention and Collin is usually just happy playing with his trains. So I have included this picture mostly to make me feel better about not paying attention to him. He loves to wear Rand's old clothes, so that is why he is always looks like he travelled back to the 70's. Well, that and the hair doesn't help either. Here he is in Rand's baseball jersey. What a good lookin' little guy I have. He looks just like his dad.

mom=not embarassing (yet)

2009-09-02T11:43:00.003-06:00

I have the best little girl, everyone should get themselves a Maura. She made me a peanut butter sandwich for lunch and put this note in. I put a note in her lunch on the first day of school and then I thought maybe it embarrassed her so I didn't do it the next day and she said "mommy, why didn't you put a note on my napkin, I wanted to show my friends." I know someday soon she will be completely embarrassed of me (and rightfully so) so I will enjoy it now.

Must. Squeeze. Cheeks.

2009-09-01T11:37:00.003-06:00

I just love this picture. Sometimes I forget how chubby he really is because I am around him so much. He really his a fatty. We decided since he already looked like a fat old man we would go with it and add the old man hat.

PS....Stef, can he really marry Scarlet? They can have the world's fattest, cutest babies.

becoming one with nature

2009-08-30T10:20:00.009-06:00

I like nature. Unless you count bugs, animals and fish. Wait, fish are animals. I hate fish. We visited all of these things when we met Kalli and her very nice friends at Cascade Springs. I did quite enjoy her dog Gus, who chased some wandering cows off the path for us and a stampede of dumb ugly cows ensued. Quite entertaining. If you have ever been to Cascade Springs, it is usually a breeding ground for grasshoppers, but I didn't see a one, so it was a good day. Collin kept teasing me and saying "Mommy, a grasshopper jumped on my foot!" He thinks he is funny.

The next day was my niece Taylor's birthday and we all went to the Copper Mine to enjoy some more of nature's gifts.

This looks like Collin is playing with a tiny toy dump truck, but those things were huge! I wanted to hop in one and take a ride down the canyon but the security guard said no. I guess that is why they have security guards at a copper mine.

I love this picture. Your typical 12-year old "I am WAY too cool for this" picture. What cute nieces and nephew I have.

Collin had this grin on his face the whole time. Dirt, dump trucks, excavators...he was in heaven.

We also enjoy the great outdoors every Wednesday at Maura's soccer games. We are 0-3 but I just know we have a win in us! She runs her little heart (and littler legs) out and then loses steam about 1/2 way through, but it is so fun to watch.

Be There!

2009-08-27T16:35:00.003-06:00

I know I ask a lot of you. But that doesn't mean I will stop. Please come to my jewelry open house tonight and order lots. Or just come and eat lots. Either way you are welcome in my home. Let me know if you need directions. And don't use any excuses like "I'm too busy" or "I can't come because I live in Croatia." Just come. 6-8 pm.

Even if you are just coming to see with your own eyes how fat Max is.

A plea to the nap gods...

2009-08-26T10:06:00.001-06:00

Max, you are really cute. Please close your eyes. Please sleep.

New Friend

2009-08-25T14:02:00.004-06:00

I would like to welcome the newest addition to my cubicle. Em thinks it's funny to give me plastic grasshoppers. So they all live at my desk. You will like it here buddy.

No wonder everyone stares at me.

Ms. Maura

2009-08-23T21:43:00.002-06:00

We are heavy on the sarcasm in the Bruno household. I guess I didn't really think Maura was paying enough attention to understand what it was. I was wrong, as usual. Here is a conversation we just had:

Maura: I picked out my outfit for school tomorrow.

Me: Oh, good I found some earrings that match it. These will be perfect, I will set them out for you.

Maura: Awesome.

Me: Ya.

Maura: I was being sarcastic.

10% mad, 90% proud.

Brain Function=10%

2009-08-18T15:04:00.002-06:00

Kept calling Max by the wrong name this morning. Will start referring to him as "boy #2"

Tripped in my shoes 3 times today, in front of people. Tried to pull it off like I was just dancing , but was unsuccessful (must remember to pick up feet when walking).

Got into the wrong car at lunch. It wasn't even the same make or model, just the same color.

Completely forgot what floor I worked on. There are only 4, so it shouldn't be all that difficult.

Jumped when I saw the plastic grasshopper by my monitor (it has been there for 2 years).

Got caught mumbling to myself, very loudly.

Must go home. Must sleep.

I shall call him squishy and he shall be mine

2009-08-17T09:22:00.004-06:00

I've been thinking about nicknames lately. We just haven't really found one that fits Max yet. And I have tried to make it clear to everyone that "Maxi" is out. Very, very out. Nicknames are important. Sometimes they fade away but sometimes they stick with you FOREVER. When my Niece Olivia was born, Riley noticed that she somewhat resembled Bob's Big Boy. Okay, she looked just like him (if he were female and 50% asian...oh and real). So we started calling her "Bob" when she was a baby. She is 5 now and it is still hangin' on. I try to stop myself so most of the time I end up calling her "Bolivia." Poor thing, she either has an old man's name or a South American county known for drug-trafficking. Anyway, here are names that Max has been called thus far. I'm noticing a pattern here...

Maximus
Smaximus
Maximaniac
Squishy
Dough Boy
Frank the Tank
Stay Puft
Marshmallow
Fatboy Slim
Chunky
Fatty Lumpkins
and the less creative...Fatso.

I get it, he's fat. But I would rather his nickname didn't reflect the fact that he is a little rotund.

Vote for your favorite.

3 Months Old!

2009-08-13T09:34:00.003-06:00

The stroller isn't small, he is just really THAT big.

Like Sand Through The Hourglass...

2009-08-11T22:04:00.005-06:00

Just when you think you have things under control. Well, not under control, but just enough so you can pretend you do...your 3-year old drops his cup of juice and oj splashes to every square inch of your kitchen, fridge, walls, cabinets, purse, shoes, etc. I could almost feel sanity slipping through my fingers once again...

It really should take more than spilled orange juice. It doesn't.

Congratulations Cathy & JP!

2009-08-11T16:26:00.003-06:00

So I guess I'm not the only one having cute babies around here. My friend Cathy had a gorgeous baby girl a few days ago. Here is Maura holding Eva. Sorry for the bad picture, I only had my blackberry and it takes weird fish-bowl pictures. Eva was teeny-tiny at 5 pounds 6 ounces. Max could have eaten her as a snack. I think he was going to, but we held him back. Maura wanted to stay there all day and hold her. I think she was wishing Max was small again. Since that lasted all of about 2 weeks.

I'm Baaaack

2009-08-10T14:35:00.007-06:00

Hmmm, it is my first day back at work so I thought I would spend time blogging instead of working. I need to ease into the work thing, I have been lying around in my pj's all day for 3 months, give me a break!!

Bad things about coming back to work:

Have to get dressed and wear nice shoes, my feet are used to my slippers. I hate shoes.
Have to find a shirt without spit up on it.
Have to leave my cute monkeys behind.
No more watching 10 movies a week.
No more taking naps with Collin and Max.
Trying to remember what it is I am supposed to do here. It involves actual work, I'm sure it does.
It is so quiet here, I need chaos to thrive!
Trying to get used to a Mac again

Good things about coming back to work:

More time to blog!
Ya, that's all I got.

Just thought I would throw in a few pictures of the kids.

Olivia and Maura being cute

My Sleep-Bots in their matching jammies

Collin showing off his vintage Lee overalls (these were actually Rand's back in the day)

And my Maximus (notice I can't do up the top button)

Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy

2009-08-02T10:07:00.003-06:00

Happy Birthday Rand!

Neither of us is too good at all the mushy romantic stuff...but needless to say I sorta like you. And I hope you have a great birthday. Even though the kids like you better than me. And I think my parents might too. I can't really blame them, you are pretty awesome.

Field Trip

2009-07-25T12:05:00.007-06:00

We are on a quest this summer to see/do everything cheap and free in Utah. Last week we crossed another one off the list by heading up to Hill Air Force Base to see the museum there. We took our kids, some that weren't ours, and of course Lars.

The kids had a blast and I thought it was pretty darn neat. It is also nice to have someone with you that can answer the million questions you have (Lars). The only bad part of the otherwise great day were all of the fake guys in the glass cases showing the uniforms. CREEPY! Here is one of them, but there are cases of them that you walk through and I felt like they were watching me. I have a thing about mannequins. I have a thing about a lot of things. In case you haven't noticed.

...and I feel fine

2009-07-21T17:49:00.002-06:00

Do you ever have recurring dreams? Or the same kind of dream over and over? I do. There is the one where Emily and I die Thelma and Louise style off a cliff, I have that one a lot. Don't know what it means. But that one doesn't really bother me (it does bother Em though, she still gets nervous when we are in a car alone together). For about 10-15 years I have had these crazy end-of-the-world dreams. The world has ended in every way imaginable. They are horrible, awful, completely realistic dreams. I wake up screaming, sweating, sometimes crying. I have them a few times a year. Occasionally Rand will just pat my back or say "how did it end this time?" So how does the world end? Well most recently it has been floods, killer bats, nuclear war, and of course aliens with lasers. There is one thing that is always the same in these dreams. I am always one of the last survivors and everyone I know is gone (a.k.a. dead, eaten, burned, lasered, etc.). And I am always running for my life.

The reason I am writing about all of this is because I had THE most disturbing end of the world dream EVER. And that is saying a lot. So here goes. No laughing. It was really scary. I can't even explain how terrified I was. Are you ready now? How about now? Okay. For reals this time.

Flash forward a few years and drugs and illegal immigration has gotten really out of control. So the government engineers these under-water robots to keep boats from bringing people and drugs into the country. Well, somehow the scientist made these robots too good. And they mutate. They get really, really big. And mean. Imagine the Iron Giant if he were mean and had a skeleton head. Anyway, these robots become human-crushers. They come onto land and keep growing bigger and bigger and they crush all of the humans in the world. Everyone but me and a few other people. They chase me everywhere and crush everyone around me and just as one is about to get me.....I wake up.

I hope you had a good laugh. Like I said, it doesn't sound scary when I tell it. But trust me, it had me begging for the swarms of killer bats. And they were REAL bad.

Maybe I should have a new blog. www.howdiditendthistimerachel.blogspot.com

I'm not allowed to watch movies or the news anymore.

Call The Discovery Channel!

2009-07-15T17:05:00.003-06:00

Because I have given birth to a bear cub, not a baby. Max had his 2 month check up this week and he weighed...wait for it....13 pounds 15 ounces. That's right, he almost doubled his birth weight in 2 months. I guess that is what we get for naming him Max Bruno. Max indeed.

Just to Clarify...

2009-07-14T18:26:00.004-06:00

Dear Dental Hygienist Lady:

We need to clear things up. We aren't friends. When I come in and you are all friendly and nice to me, asking me about my kids and telling me you like my earrings, you are sending me mixed signals and its confusing. Because then you come at me with that sharp, scraper thingy and you hurt me. Really, really bad. It's like you hate me and think I deserve to be punished. You ask me if I'm okay, but you don't stop long enough for me to tell you that no, I'm not okay and if you don't stop I'm going to hold YOU down and use your instruments of torture against you. And then tell you how cute your shoes are. Which they aren't, they are kind of ugly. But very practical.

Reality Bites

2009-07-09T19:04:00.004-06:00

Does the reality of your life sometimes sneak up and smack you in the face? It does that to me occassionally and some days it makes me smile and other days it makes me curl up in a ball and rock back and forth. Today it was the latter. I was hoping to be at the Jenny Lewis and Bon Iver concert tonight, but instead I found myself at the grocery store buying milk and an onion. As I wandered the isles of the evil empire known as Walmart, I couldn't find anything I was looking for and I was grumbling under my breath (and swearing, not so under my breath) and then I came to the sad realization that I actually BELONGED at Walmart at 7:00 at night. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. But then I saw the cutest little boy who was so tired from having so much fun for hours outside today that he fell asleep 10 seconds after his heat hit the ground. And I felt okay again. Until tomorrow.

4th of July

2009-07-06T18:45:00.008-06:00

We had a fabulous 4th. It is the one day of the year we get to use our massive backyard and the kids had a blast while we ate ourselves sick...in true American fashion.

The women-folk were in the kitchen cooking (where we belong)

Collin decided early in the morning that he wanted some tattoos (he calls them tic-tac-toos). So we made a run to the store and we all got inked together.

I Like To Ride My Bicycle, I Like To Ride My Bike

2009-07-03T09:46:00.003-06:00

I'm trying to join in the lovefest of summer and enjoy it as much as everyone else...but it is difficult for me. There is plenty to love. BBQ's, the kids being outside most of the day, the slip n' slide slide, and of course Collin riding his big boy bike (he is getting so big!)

But there is the part I hate too.

#1 The heat and I don't get along. As Lars would say "we sweat on relatively cool days." Too much information...right? Sorry. It's true.

#2 Baseball. I actually love baseball, it is my favorite sport. I used to go to all of Rand's games and was known to play in a few leagues myself (and I'm not too bad for a girl). That all ended when this happened:

A foul ball straight to a 10 month old's face and a ride in an ambulance will end your love of baseball real quick. We tried to go to an Orem Owlz game last summer and after having a ball land a few yards away from us, I spent the rest of the time in the playground with the huge net around it. Maura isn't the least bit scared of baseballs hitting her in the face...strange. If you look close you can actually see the imprint of the stitches from the baseball.

#3 You know what it is. They are out. They are after me. They are vile. They shall not be named.

Happy x 10

2009-06-25T17:16:00.005-06:00

Hey Rand...remember that time we got married? Ya, it was ten years (and three kids) ago. Love you lots.

The Great Outdoors

2009-06-22T11:44:00.015-06:00

The aftermath of camping with a family of five:

Despite the tsunami in my laundry room, a good time was had by all. Even little Max was pretty good for his first trip. My kids are now the 5th generation in our family to make the trek each year to Fishlake.

Maura caught her first fish! She was soooo excited.

If you are ever in the neighborhood, stop by the Sunglow Cafe for the BEST PIE in the world. I recommend the pinto bean pie. Hey, don't knock it 'till you try it.

Gilligan was able to join us.

Happy Father's Day!

2009-06-20T19:51:00.005-06:00

A little boy in our neighborhood (who shall remain nameless) summed up Rand perfectly. He said "You are a nice daddy, my daddy is mean." So true (about Rand anyway, his dad is perfectly nice). And his kindness is matched only by his good looks. I love you Rand!

Happy Father's day to all the dads and stuff. Even the mean ones.

And Happy Father's Day to my Pops who taught me many things including, changing a spare tire, gutting a fish, a few swear words (okay, all of them), appreciating good music and movies, and that when an animal jumps in front of your car and you kill it, it isn't sad, it is just Darwinism at work (and in fact you have done the species a favor by weeding out the ones dumb enough to be in the way of your car in the first place). We visited this one together again on our way home from Fishlake yesterday. Happy Dad's day!

You Say It's Your Birthday

2009-06-20T17:20:00.007-06:00

There might be a few posts in row here...it has been a busy week. First things first, here are some pictures from Maura's birthday. She picked a Strawberry Shortcake theme (after I nudged her in that direction...I loved it back in the days of my youth, oh so long ago).

Isn't she gorgeous?

Breakfast in bed was a big hit last year, so we continued it this year. She graciously let Collin join her.

I would love to take credit for these amazing cakes, but I had nothing to do with it. Andrea came to the rescue and offered to make her cake and they were beautiful. Had it been left up to me she might have ended up with a twinkie with a candle in it...so THANKS ANDREA!

Happy Birthday Maura!

2009-06-13T02:11:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to wish my favorite girl a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY. She turns 6 today! Here are a few of many reasons why she is the coolest little girl in the world:

She has me as a mom

She was born on Friday the 13th (there was a full moon, of course)

She wants to be a tattoo artist, a pilot, a painter, and a waitress when she grows up

She is sweet to her little brothers, even when a certain little brother doesn't deserve it

She thinks her left ear is lucky and that she can make wishes with it

When she does make wishes, it is for her stuffed animals to come alive

Sally, of course
She has Rand as a dad

Intervention

2009-06-06T20:31:00.007-06:00

My name is Max.

M-A-X.

I drink too much.

I try to cut back...but the more I drink, the more I want. It is a vicious cycle.

I fall asleep while drinking. Sometimes I just pass out.

I wake up with a new chin each morning.

My mom and dad think I have a problem.

I have it under control.

I Heart Netflix

2009-05-28T10:57:00.008-06:00

The best thing about maternity leave (besides not having to work, and you know...bonding with my baby) is my Netflix subscription. Between summer reruns and being up at all hours of the night, I'm pretty sure they are losing money on me at this point. I am really, really particular about the kind of movies I like. I will watch anything, but I only actually like and recommend about 10% of what I view. Here are some highlights. So take some time off work (have a baby if you need to) and watch these!

Special: This is probably one of the best movies I have seen in a long time.

The Visitor

Tell No One: I don't usually like subtitled movies (too much work) But this one was worth the effort.

I've Loved You So Long: I know, I know...another French subtitled film.

Frozen River: Really, really depressing. But I like depressing. And I liked this movie.

Zombie

2009-05-26T10:11:00.002-06:00

My transformation is nearly complete.

Mr. Max 2.0

2009-05-21T11:57:00.008-06:00

I thought I should post some more pictures now that Max isn't so purple and squishy. He is doing very well despite the fact that he is up all night and I'm not sure what day it is. Oh, and not to be upstaged by Max, Maura had some big news of her own. She lost her first tooth and got the training wheels off her bike. We are so proud!

Notice the awesome quilt that Andrea made for Max. I love it!

Collin seems like a monster next to the little guy!

Mr. Max

2009-05-15T19:31:00.004-06:00

Little Max made a quick arrival on Wednesday. We got to the hospital at 11:00 and by 1:44 he was born. I didn't even have time to freak out, which is good. Here are some pictures of the little guy. We are so glad he is here, and more importantly, that I'm never going to be pregnant again.

Gardens

2009-05-07T13:50:00.002-06:00

This past weekend we visited the Gardens at Thanksgiving Point. My hope was that I would walk around enough that I would eventually go into labor. No such luck, just a sore back. It was gorgeous though and I especially enjoyed it after our disastrous visit last year. We went in the late summer last year and well...hot summer+lots of plants to eat=freakishly huge grasshoppers. I spent about 30 minutes hyperventilating and running around trying to dodge them and then we left. At one point Rand took the kids so I could sit in a grasshopper free zone and try to catch my breath, but then these two little boys started picking up the grasshoppers and throwing them. I'm pretty sure I was crying by the end. This time around, I didn't spot one of those little green demons. It was beautiful.

Life's Hard Lessons

2009-04-24T10:10:00.004-06:00

We went to see the movie "Earth" yesterday and it went about how we thought...Collin fell asleep after there were no animals chasing each other (plus the sound of James Earl Jones' voice just has that sedating effect) and Maura was fascinated. I was a little worried at some parts, because it seemed to me that there was lots of large, predatory animals killing and eating the smaller, cuter animals. I kept looking over to see her reaction, but she seemed unphased. There was one particular moment when a cheetah is chasing a gazelle and, well, you can probably guess how that one ended. I asked her if she was okay and she said, "Ya, most of them lived, so its okay." Good point. So it got me thinking of one of the major dilemmas of parents. Where do we draw the line on wanting them to stay innocent and pure, but not completly pulling the wool over their eyes, so to speak. A part of me wants them to believe in magic and imaginary friends, but I also want them to understand that the world is not all sunshine and rainbows and I think it is my job to prepare them for this. I don't want to traumatize them or anything, but I have a hard time lying when the tough questions are asked. At what age to you just lay it down and tell them the truth, that no, they won't be able to fly...no matter how hard they wish for it. And yes, the lions will go after the baby elephant because it is weaker and they have a better chance of killing it.

Hippity Hoppity

2009-04-05T22:22:00.016-06:00

So I thought I would post some updates. Sorry for the long boring post, but inspiration has been escaping me as of late. I'm pretty sure some brain cells are missing along with it.

...little Max tried to make an early appearance, but after some injections of something that made me feel like my skin didn't fit and my heart would explode, everything calmed down. I am increasingly uncomfortable and still surprised that none of my ribs are broken. Only 4 more weeks. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can. The doctor said he wouldn't stop my labor now, because everything from now on would be "icing on the cake." I don't even like icing. I just like well-baked cake. Who needs icing??

Yes, Rand won the name game. I guess telling your husband that a name is too masculine makes him want the name more, not less. So even though I still think Max Bruno sounds like a comic book villain, at least we don't have to argue about it anymore.

The kids had a blast on Easter. Easter is kind of confusing for me. Growing up, it was made very clear to us that the Easter Bunny and Eggs were Pagan traditions. You could call my dad now and he would be happy to give you a lecture on the pagan origins of the holiday. So now that I have my own kids, I have mixed feelings. But deep down, I just like my Pagan rituals, what can I say? So we do the baskets and we hide the eggs. We do stop short of the Easter Bunny, so I guess you got your way a little Lars. Here are some pictures from the day. Nobody put an egg in my tailpipe this year, so all in all it was a very good day. Olivia is missing from the picture because she was upstairs throwing up. There is something with holidays and our kids, but one of them always ends up puking. I'm glad it was Em's turn this year and not mine.

Here is Maura helping me make cupcakes. She likes to cook a lot more than me, so I'm hoping to get her trained early so I don't have to anymore.

Grandma and Grandpa Bruno's house

Emily's House

"I have a mouthful of chocolate and life is good"

Two seconds after I took this picture they spilled the dye all over and I yelled at them. Good times.

Maura got nail polish in her Easter basket and gave me a manicure. I thought she did pretty good.

Time For Change?

2009-03-28T22:33:00.003-06:00

My blog needs updating. I can't decide what to do with it, so I do nothing at all. I like the cute scrapbook-looking blogs...but they just aren't me. If anyone has any ideas, pass them along my way.

Also, since Sally is no longer with us (i.e. crossed over, gone to the light) I'm wondering if I should change the name of the blog. I guess she will always be a part of our lives, but I'm afraid there will be no more Sally stories. My little girl no longer converses with orange crocodiles, owls that live on the ceiling and undead children. I have even been hoping lately that Sally, as much as I dreaded her appearances and the darkness they brought to our lives, would make one last visit to say goodbye to her surrogate family. It makes me a little sad that Maura would rather talk to actual people now. But there is always Collin, and I have great hopes for him in the way of imaginary friends. He has one that lives in the kitchen, who he goes and talks to when he gets in trouble. The details are shady. I'm not worried about things getting too dull around here.

So what do you think? Should My Friend Sally move on? Do people wonder why I can't just name my blog something normal like everyone else? Speak to me people.

29 + 1 = OLD

2009-03-24T09:55:00.004-06:00

**I hate to do this to myself, but it is just too funny. My "friend" Andrea posted a picture of me on my 17th birthday here and it is freaking awesome. The fake red hair. The curdoroy jacket. Does my necklace really say "Cobain?" Wow, the 90's were not kind to me. 30 is sounding better all the time.

My 20's have officially departed. Actually, considering how I'm a "glass half empty" kinda person most of the time, I'm surprised that I'm not really sad at all to welcome in my 30's.

I was awaken at 4:00 this morning by a 3 year old little boy. An hour later a little girl came in our room too. I guess the baby didn't want to miss out, so he arranged for a monstrous leg cramp to wake me up for good soon after.

Rand is currently baking cake and cleaning, and that is pretty much the best present ever.

Happy Birthday to me!

I am LITERALLY having an AHA moment and it was THE BOMB.COM

2009-03-20T15:53:00.000-06:00

Okay, so most of my posts are about things that bother me. I guess lots of things bother me, what can I say? Here are some words/phrases that I wish would disappear forever. There are many more, but these are some highlights. If any of the following are in your vocabulary, please erase. Forever.

The phrase "Aha moment." Everyone is having one. I don't know what it means but I think Oprah had something to do with it. Make it stop.
The word literally. I would say just the misuse of the word, but I know that it will always be misused, so let's just get rid of the word altogether. Overheard: "My head LITERALLY exploded." Wow, sorry I missed that.
The word "pop." Example: "That shirt really makes your eyes pop." Again, I think we are misusing the word...and it sounds dumb.
Adding "Gate" to the end of a word to describe a celebrity situation. Like when Britney went without underwear and they called it "Panty-gate." Really?
"It's the bomb.com" I heard a grown man say this. Out loud. I'm serious. He wasn't trying to be funny.

Green Goodness.

2009-03-18T16:07:00.005-06:00

I wish green food made me so happy. Actually, you know what? It did make me pretty happy. We celebrated our Irish ancestry and St. Patrick's day with LOTS of green stuff. I'm not sure of the connection yet, but we did it anyway. And no, that isn't antifreeze, it's just green Gatorade. On the menu: spinach wraps, cucumbers, broccoli, avocados and green jello jigglers. Most kids run away from green food, but mine love it. They are strange in so many ways. We also made a green slush concoction for dessert. The recipe called for rum, but we omitted it. We figured they had enough beer with their lunch...

Time for Botox

2009-03-09T09:24:00.004-06:00

A few days ago Maura and I were talking about all the ways she looked like me. I was telling her she had my skin, my eyebrows (or eyebrow to be more exact... poor girl), my nose, my lips, my ears...and she looked at me and said,"What about those wrinkles under your eyes, do I have those too?" It's all downhill from here.

Workin' 9 to 5

2009-03-05T10:10:00.004-07:00

I know we all have to deal with people we don't like from time to time, but lately people have just been bothering me. Maybe it is because I am pregnant. Maybe it is because I would rather be at home in my sweat pants than at work. Whatever the reason, I have a few comments for the people I am forced to interact with on a daily basis. And don't worry, if you work with me and you are reading this blog, I'm probably not talking about you. But I could be.

Guy who paces the aisles talking loudly into his blue tooth: Don't invade my cubicle space with your attempts to seem productive. Just sit at your desk and pretend to be busy like the rest of us.

"Person" who I have worked with for years but you still don't know my name: Never mind, there is probably no need for you to know my name. You wear suits and are more important than me.

Insecure male: I know I'm female. Women's rights and all.. get over it.

Mostly everyone: Are you really getting an email important enough to stop listening to me and start typing on your blackberry? REALLY?! It can't wait two seconds until we finish our conversation?

Person who thinks we are best friends: Just because you call me "BRUNO!" every time you see me does not make us friends. Ever notice how I'm always on a phone call when you are at my desk? There isn't anyone on the other line.

Lady who gives me a disapproving look every time you see me with a Diet Coke: It isn't crack, okay? And no matter how much caffeine that I consume during my pregnancy, my kids will still be cuter and smarter than yours.

Person who blogs all day at work and is always disinfecting their desk with Lysol wipes because they are afraid of germs: Oh, wait that is me.

Lady who parks her giant minivan in visitor parking because she is too lazy to take the 10 extra steps from the other parking spaces: Me again.

I know I sound cruel, but like I said, it is one of those days. And I get a pass because of the whole pregnant thing. I checked into it.

Circus Freak=Me

2009-02-28T19:06:00.004-07:00

Sometimes just showering and putting on clean sweat pants is a victory. That is about all I accomplished today. Well that and a whole lot of complaining. Sorry Rand.

I'd also just like to comment that NEVER EVER EVER will there be posted a picture of my belly, bare or otherwise. This is because that although I have avoided stretch marks for 2.75 pregnancies (but thinking I won't escape unscathed this time around) it does appear that I have swallowed a large watermelon that hasn't yet been digested and is now lodged just above my stomach. For some reason I carry babies in my ribcage. Here is a conversation I have about a dozen times each pregnancy:

Person I don't know well enough to be talking about my body to: "Wow, you carry your baby REALLY high."
me: "I know."
Person: "No, really, it is sooo high up."
me: "Yep, I can tell."
Sometimes this goes one with them trying to convince me. I'm not sure what reaction they are looking for. I would give it to them if I thought it would make them leave me alone.

So avoid the urge to tell me something I already know because I promise...I do realize how I look...being that it is in my body and all. I can feel my ribs spreading apart by the second. Even the nurses make comments and have been known to page other nurses to come and check out my freakish belly. I'm special in other ways too. This is just the most obvious at the moment.

Happy Birthday Collin!

2009-02-23T18:17:00.005-07:00

My "baby" turned 3 today! We had a birthday extravaganza consisting of 3 days of non-stop activities and we all had so much fun. We went to the zoo (where I mostly sat and tried to avoid all of the smells that made me want to barf) and then we had a family birthday party and then we went to Chuck E. Cheese (which wasn't quite as horrible as I anticipated). Collin's favorite part was going to the store with Grandpa Lars and Grandma Kris. The tradition started because my parents would forget to go get presents (they are old, give them a break) So they started taking them to pick out what they wanted on their birthdays. Let's just say that I don't think it has ever happened where we have taken Collin to the store and said "pick out whatever you want." That is what grandparents are for.

I can't believe Collin is 3 and though we had a rocky start to our relationship (he only slept for 10 minutes at a time for a few months after he was born and I didn't really like him for awhile). But since then he has been such a happy boy and I have loved every minute. Here are my favorite things about Collin:

He doesn't fight with his sister. I hear fighting is common among brothers and sisters but we have lucked out completely. He is happy just to play with her and I never have to break up fights.
His hair. Seriously, this kid has great hair.
His imagination. No toys, no problem. Pretty soon his hands and feet are having deep conversations.
His voices. He has a gift for different voices. Sometimes when I call Rand from work I will ask him if there are other kids over, but it is just Collin using his 10 different voices.
He calls railroad arms "oh mans." We couldn't figure out why for the longest time, but then we realized that when we got stopped by a train (which happens often in Lehi) we would yell "Oh Man!"
He likes me. He likes his dad better but he is still so sweet to me.

I love you buddy.

Cute kids at the zoo

Another year, another train cake. This took me longer to make than I wish to admit...

Collin at Chuck E. Cheese

Who You Gonna Call?

2009-02-17T11:44:00.005-07:00

I want to start off by saying that I don't know if I believe in ghosts. I mean, I guess I believe in them, I just don't believe that they would waste their time haunting me...especially if they had cool ghostly powers, as the undead often seem to. So while I joke that Sally was (is?) the spirit of a menacing, disturbed dead girl with unfinished business here on earth, I really don't think she is anything more than a manifestation of my child's unhealthy obsession with death.

That being said...there are some really strange things going on in my house. Well, more specifically, in my upstairs. For awhile now our TV will just change channels randomly. You can keep changing it back, but it will just sit and flip through the channels. I called the Dish Network guy and tried to explain it to him, but I think I sounded like a lunatic "hey, my channels change by themselves, could you come and check it out?"...needless to say the problem persists. Also, we have those clocks that set themselves and lately they have been going crazy. In the middle of the night they just start going around and around. I have also noticed that if electronic toys get left in our room they will turn on and off without warning. Collin has a play vacuum and once in the middle of the night it just started singing "I'm going to clean the house all day, dooh-dah, dooh-dah." My iPod will also skip songs and albums without notice only when it is docked upstairs. There seems to be some electromagnetic anomaly occurring here...and I know your first response is "there must be a ghost." But that is so obvious. What if it is something worse than ghosts...like aliens? Either way, I'm a little freaked out.

**PS: Do you ever watch "A Haunting" or "Paranormal State?" These shows are so funny. People think their houses are haunted, but it becomes sadly apparent that they just need some attention. On one show this guy tried to kill his wife with an axe and then claimed it was only because he was possessed. Sure buddy, sure you were.

Bring on the Mom Jeans

2009-02-15T17:22:00.002-07:00

I know it is only February, but I have a feeling it is going to be a rough year. I'm turning 30, I'm having a 3rd baby....and we bought a minivan. I'm not against the minivan because I think I'm too cool for it or anything, I know I'm not. And I'm not in denial that I need one. I always knew I would eventually be married, and we always wanted 3 kids, I guess the problem is it just came faster than I thought.

Happy Birthday Andrea

2009-02-13T09:30:00.003-07:00

I haven't ever used the term "BFF"(and I probably never will again) but if I did, it would be referring to Andrea. AND SHE IS TURNING 30 TODAY! So...happy birthday old woman. And even though you are a month and a half older than me and I will still be 29 for a few more weeks...I am still the one with the minivan and the 2 kids and pregnant...again. So I feel 10 years older than you if it makes you feel any better.

I was going to post some old pictures from High school, but then when I saw them I realized that I was in them and I would have to subject myself to all that ridicule. I'm not really up for that right now, I'm still getting over the minivan.

Anyway, have a great one!

More Stop-Action Animated Creepiness

2009-02-06T11:33:00.007-07:00

I would like to share with you my love of stop-action animation. I have great affection for this medium. I think it is because it is dark and creepy and strange, and it takes a lot of work to produce much of anything, much like how my brain is. My all time favorite is The Nightmare Before Christmas. Today Rand and I are taking the kiddos to see Coraline and I am so excited, Maura and I have been waiting for this movie for a long time. Also, I think that the writer ripped me off. In 6th grade I wrote a story about a girl accidentally going to a parallel universe where everything was evil. I vividly remember reading the story out loud to the class and the look on my teacher's face was one of concern and fright. I need to talk to someone about getting royalties for this...

**Update: This movie is awesome. I had really high hopes for it and it was even better than I thought. It was pretty intense at parts and I thought the kids would be scared, but it seems they are completely desensitized to anything scary. No wonder they have creepy imaginary friends.

The Results are in

2009-01-24T15:06:00.000-07:00

It looks like nobody listened to Riley's advice about Damien being the name of the anti-Christ, since it still tied for first place. I was thinking that once I saw people voting I would realize which name I liked (and vote for it 20 times so I could say that I listened to the people). But alas, I am still undecided and all of the names pretty much got the same amount of votes.

All We Need Is Love (but not hugs)

2009-01-22T15:22:00.004-07:00

Is it ever good to have bronchitis? Well, I didn't think so until yesterday. I've been stricken with a pretty bad case of it and I have been miserably coughing my head off. I finally decided to drag myself into work yesterday (only to leave three hours later). But for a brief moment I was incredibly grateful for my obvious illness. Explanation to come soon.

I hate hugs, most people know this about me. Everyone likes to joke and put their arms out when I walk by and it is all sooooo funny, but I really don't like to hug people. Don't take offense, it isn't a personal thing, it is a personal-space thing. I like my space and I would rather not hug you most of the time. Of course there are exceptions. I hug my Grandmas every time I see them. I will hug you at your wedding, if I haven't seen you in a really long time, if you are dying, etc. I also hug my kids and my nieces and nephews all the time. Kid hugs are safe, adult hugs are not.

So I was leaving work yesterday and I ran into a former co-worker. We were never friends, never really talked that much. She saw me and said the words I dread to hear... "I need a hug." I only had a few seconds to think as she crossed the lobby to hug me. Then my hand involuntarily went up in front of me, blocking her. Crap, what do I say now? I just hug-blocked her and she is going to get her feelings hurt. Then I realized that I had a perfectly legitamite reason for not hugging her. "Oh, don't come near me, I'm so sick and I don't want to give it to you." It worked! She backed up and we parted with no hug. It was close. Thank you bronchitis.

So here is my question. Is it rude to refuse a hug? Just because someone else "needs a hug" should I comply because I feel socially obligated? Is there any nice way to say "No thanks, although you need a hug, I do not. But how about a nice high-five?"

**I think it goes without saying that I like to hug my husband, seeing as how I'm pregnant for the third time and all.

Hi! My Name is...What?

2009-01-16T10:10:00.004-07:00

That's right people, it's an Eminem lyric. I can't fight the song titles, they just come to me.

But seriously, I am having the hardest time naming this kid I am going to have. With the other two we just decided and that was that. This one is tricky. Sylvia, remember how my nickname was Tricky in elementary school? I was thinking about that the other day and I can't remember why, do you? But I digress. The name thing=hard.

With a last name like Bruno, you have to be careful. It isn't as bad as Schaugaard, but still. Maybe we shouldn't fight the whole "I wear gold chains and slick my hair back and I will cut off your fingers if you cross me" thing. We could name him Vinnie or Tony and he would be set with a life in organized crime. We liked the name Max, but it still sounds a little too tough. Like his friends could say, "Hey, stop or I will get Max Bruno to beat you up."

So... help! I have narrowed it down to a few that Rand and I like, please vote or if you hate all of the options you can give me any suggestions. If you don't help he could be called Junior for the rest of his life. Nobody wants that.

And a Partridge in a Pear Tree

2009-01-12T22:12:00.003-07:00

Sometimes my mind wanders to the small things that change when you have kids...so I was cleaning out my purse last night and thinking of the time when I had things in there I actually needed. Now I have fun things in there that just appear out of nowhere.

A small plastic horse: naturally.

A fake apple: I got really excited because I thought it was real. I guess the fact that it was the size of a gumball should have given it away.

Spiderman band aids: Don't lie, you would still rather have a band aid with a cartoon character on it than a plain one. I have seen your face light up when you asked me for a band aid and you got one with Barbie on it. You know who you are.

Chapstick: Not unusual, I know. Except that I have various brands of lip balm and each one either has a bite out of it or has been licked by a certain 2 year old boy. I guess they shouldn't make them bright colors with flavors like strawberry banana and vanilla. I am tempted sometimes too. Nobody is ever going to ask to borrow my Chapstick again are they?

Tootsie pops, M & M's and Smarties: Before I had kids I used to say I wouldn't give them candy to shut them up. I was funny.

A pocket calendar: It has drawings of people (most likely Sally) over most of the months.

10 gum wrappers and an empty pack of gum: I'm going to find that gum later.

A yellow ninja: Not a real ninja, just a really tiny one. This was my favorite. Everyone should have a yellow ninja on them at all times.

Maybe I don't miss the time when I had boring things in my purse. My purse is fun and if I get stuck waiting somewhere I have toys and candy. I'm set.